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Hollinger Corp. 
pH 8.5 



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PRICE IS CEIVTS. 



DE WITT'S ACTING PLAYS. <^'^^^ 

(Number 303.) 



SHE 




STOOPS TO CONQUER. 



A COMEDY, IN FIVE ACTS. 



By OLIVER GOLDSMITH. 



From the Author's approved Text as performed in the lead- 
ing- Theatres in Great Britain and the United States ; 
notably at Wallack's, New York, Feb. 25,1876. 



A thoroughly corrected and revised Acting Edition, giving" 

the text as the piece was originally performed at 

Covent Garden, during the management of the 

elder Colman, and under the direct 

supervision of the Author. 

AN ENTIRELY NEW EDITION. 

TO WHICH AKE ADDED, 

A Description of the Costumes -Cast of the Characters— Entrances and Ex- 
its—Relative Positions of the Performers on the Stage— Costumes— 
Story of the Play— General Remarks— and the whole of 
the Stage Business accurately marked. 




ROBERT M. DE WITT, PUBLISHER 

JV^o. 33 Rose Street. 




HOW 



^^ A COMPLETE DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE OF DE WITT'S ACTING 
PLAYS, AND DE WITT'S ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMAS, containiDg 
XtUJLDT i Plot, Costume, Scenery, Time of Representation, and every other informa« 
>- tion, mailed free and post-paid. 



Yothing so thorough and complete in the way of Ethiopian and Comic Dn^^y;% 
,een7ntld as those Lt appear in the following list, ^^t orUy<^ ^ V^-;p 
characters droll, the incidents funny, the language hurmrous,hut <M^^'- - 
positions, panto^nimic UMness, scenery and tncU are so jM ^J^.-:;: 

plained, that the merest novice could put any of them on the stage. Included ^ 

are all the most laughable and elective pieces of their class ever produced. 

*^* In ordering, please copy the figures at the com7nencement of each play, ->■•'; i 

<A.ne.m&erO/^;^.i>i.C.m"DEWlTT'sETHIOPIAXANDCOMIcDRAMA. ^ 

^= Any of thefolloiving Plays sent, postagefree, on receipt of p7'zce.-l5 «..<..-■' 

Address, ROBERT M. DE WITT, 

J^o. 33 Hose Street, J^'en' «•>;■•! 

^-The fi-ure following the name of the Play denotes the number of ?^ v . 
fi.ar'^^Ihe columns indicat: the nnmber of characters.-M. male; Y. female. 
" *^* Female characters are generally assumed by males m these plays. 






No. 
73. 

6. 
10. 
11. 
24. 
40. 
42. 
43. 
78. 
79. 
89. 
35. 
41. 

12. 

50. 

53. 

63. 

64. 

95. 
4. 

52. 

67. 

98. 

25. 

51. 

88. 

17. 

31. 

20. 

58. 

70 

77 



M. ] 

African Box, burlesque, 2 scenes . . 5 
Black Chap from Whitechapel, 1 s. 4 

Black Chemist, sketch, 1 scene 6 

Black Ey'd William, 2 scenes..... 4 
Bruised and Cured, sketch, 1 scene. 2 

Big Mistake, sketch, 1 scene 4 

Bad Whis"key, sketch, 1 scene ^ 

Babv Elephant, sketch, 2 scenes. . . 7 

Bogus Indian, sketch, 4 scenes 5 

Barney s Courtship, Irish, 1 scene 1 
Bo'^as Talking Machine, Dutch 4 
Coal Reavers' ^Revenge, 1 scene.. 6 

Cremation, sketcli, 2 scenes » 

Da<^uerreotypes, sketch, 1 scene.. . . 6 
Drift (The), sketch, 1 act, 2 scenes, b 
Damon and Pythias, 2 scenes .... 5 
Darkey's Stratagem, sketch, 1 act. . 6 
Dutchman's Ghost, sketch, 1 scene. 4 

Dutch Justice, sketch, 1 scene U 

Eh '' What is It ? sketch, 1 scene. . . 4 

Excise Trials, sketch, 1 scene 10 

Editor's Troubles, farce, in 1 scene. . 6 
Elopement (The), farce, 2 scenes. . . 4 
Fellow That Looks Like Me, Is.... ^ 
Fisherman-s Luck, sketch, 1 scene. 2 
First Night, Dutch sketch, 4 scenes 4 

Gliost (The), sketch, 1 scene ^ 

Glvceriue Oil, sketcli, 2 scenes. .. d 
Goin? for the Cup, interlude, 1 scene 4 
Gtiostiua i'aw,ishop, 1 scene... ^.. 4 
Guide lo t'.e Stage, sketch, l^cene 3 
Getting Square on Ca IBoy, 1 bcene 3 
Good Nigai s Kest, sketch, 1 scene 3 
German Emigrant, sketch, 1 scene. 3 



Musical Servant, sketch, ^ »••.;•- -■ 
Midnight Intruder (Tae), 1 S'. ; : 
Molly Moriarty, Irish, 1 scene . . 
Nightin a Strange Ho'.el, 1 scev. . 
Obeving Orders, ske'ch, 1 sce-V 
100th Night of Hamkt, 1 scene. . 
One Night in a Bar Room, 1 -' • 
One Two, Three, sketch, 1 sctEi 
Policy Players, sketch, 1 seers... 
Pompey's Patients, ;^ scenes-.. 
Porter's Troubles, -kel'ih, 1 si ry 



.;cai 'US 



66. Port Wine - -., 

87. Pete the Peddlfir, sket-.n, .■ :; 



Gripsack, sketch, 1 scene 

Hemmed In, sketch, 1 scene. . ..... 3 

Haid Times, extravaganza, 1 scene. & 
Hi-h Jack, the Heeler, 1 scene., b 

Happy Couple, sketch, 1 scene - 

Hippotheatron, s.e ch, 1 scene 9 

In and Out, sketch, 1 scene - 

Jea'.nis Husband, sketch, 1 scene 2 

Julius the Snoozer, 3 sCvme.- f 

Last of the Mohicins,l scene.... 6 

Live Injun, sketch, 4 scenes 4 

Lau'hi.ig Gas. sketch, 1 scene b 

Lucky Job, farce, 2 scenes ^ 

Lost Will, sketch, 1 scene 4 

, Lunatic (The), sketch, 1 scene 3 

, Mutton Trial, sketch 2 scenes ..... 4 
Malicious Trespass, sketch, 1 scene. 3 



56. 



85, 



Painter's Appr f:it,ice (Tue : ■ 
Polar Bear (Th t,) I'arce, 1 ~'^^-' 
Recruitin? Office, sketch, ••^v 
Rival Tenants, .sketch, 1 r-: • 
Remittance fron. Home, : ?:- 
Rigo-ing a Purchase, 1 scf :i? 
Rival Artists, sketch, 1 s-.t;«.i: . 
Stupid Servant, sketch, 1 -'^■■. 
Streets of New York sket- :.. . -• ■ 
Sam's Courtship, farce, 1 ^v- .h: 
Scenes on the Mississippi v ,- ;■ ' 
Serenade (The), sketch, 2 .'-. - 
Scampini, pantomime, 2 '^ ^ ■ 
, Storming the Fort, sketch . is : 
Siamese Twins, sketch, 2 ^«-;^ .< ^ 
Slippery Day, sketch, 1 sec. v . 
Sta>e Struck Couple (The) _.^-. -■ 
Sausage Makers (The), si-ni:.--., - 
Squire for a Day, sketch, • ;'t .'' 
Stl•auger (The)s sketch, 1 .:•-;•;..-• . 
Sleepwalker (The), sketc;.; -t • •■ 
Three Chiefs (The), sketcu, ..'.- : 
Three, A. M., sketch, 1 see" ; . . 
Two Black Roses (The), skot-: v- 
Tricks, sketch, 2 scenes. ..... - > - 

Three Strhigs to One Bow, 3 ,.>.v 
Take It, Don't Take It, sket-u, •. 
Them Papers, sketch, 1 fen'f ■; 
Uncle Eph's Dream, sketch, ^.c 
Vinegar Bitters, sketch, oue to-v- 
Who Died First, sketch, 1 see-.? 
Wake up, William Henry, 1 sc':;i 
Wanted, a Nurse, sketch, 1 sc. >'.• 
Weston the Walkist, Dutcl 1 >•>• 
■ What Shall I Take ? sketch, 2sco; 
. Who's the Actor ? farce, .1 sctr-^-: 
Wrono- Woman in the Right >. 
Young Scamp (The), sketch, 1 sc 



I 



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i;rtv;: 



X 



IE STOOPS TO COAQUER, 

% Comtbn, 



IN FIVE ACTS. 



BY OLIVEE GOLDSMITH. 



■HE AUTHOR'S APPROVED TEXT AS PEEFORMED AT THE 
EADING THEATRL.S IN GREAT BRITAIN AND THE 
UNITED STATES; NOTABLY AT WALLACK'S, 
NEW YORK, FEBRUARY 25, 187G. 



••'GHLY CORRECTED AND REVISED ACTING EDITION, GIV- 
■. S TEXT AS THE PIECE WAS ORIGINALLY PERFORMED 
;"OVENT GARDEN 'J HEATRE, DURING THE MANAGE- 
fllNir OF THE ELDER COLMAN, AND UNDER THE DI- 
RECT SUPERVISION OF THE AUTHOR. 



aj^ entirely new edition. 



TO WHICH ARE ADDED, 

..•^tlPTION OF THE COSTUMES — CAST OF THE CHAEACTEES— 

•ANCES AND EXITS EELATI^^E POSITIONS OF THE PEEFOEM- 

EES ON THE STAGE — COSTUMES — STORY OF THE PLAY 

GENERAL REMARKS — AND THE WHOLE OF THE 
STAGE BUSINESS ACCUEATELY MARKED. 



%<:Mn 




NEW YORK. 
DJiERT M. DE WITT, PITBLISHER, 

No. 33 Rose Street, 
(betwken dttane and frankfout streets.) 

Copyright, 1876, by Robert M. De Witt. 



SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 



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STOOPS TO CONQUER. 



SCENERY. ' 



ACT I., Scene 1. — A room in Mr. Hakdcasti.e's old mansion. [iVo^e,— All the 
-inrniture and accessories In this house should be rich and substantial, but quiet 
and subdued in tone.] 

Seem 2.— Large public room in " The Three Jollj' Pigeois " Inn. r. and l. c. two 
large tables are set, with rude rush-bottomed chairs on tach side, and one at head 
of each table. About r. 3 e. a verj-- large old-fashioned fire-place, in which a wood 
fire is blazing, l. u. e. a small bar is arranged with a little counter and shelves. 

r Bow 1 

t I Window 1 



B. 3e. 



R. 2e. 



Bench. 





• Very .. 






1 wide : 
J lire- : 


: o* : : 
• S * : : 




', place. •• 


j» * •* — • 
Table. 


Door. 











Shelves. .-. 
. Bar. 






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?■■* 




•• 



Table. 



L. 3e. 



L. 2e. 



Door 



R. 1 E. : R. C. C. L. C. : L. 1 E. 

ACTS IL, III., and /F.— Parlor in Mr. Hardcastle's house. The fire-place is 

R. U. E L. U. E. 



R. 2 E. : - 

: : Table. : 



. !ft * * 

R. 1 E. : Chairs. 

: R. R. c. 



Old style 
Harpsicord. 



Chairs. 



S^3 : 

tft re • 



L. 2e. 



L. 1 



richly carved, but in old dark wood, all suggestive of solid comfort. 
ACT v.. Scene /.—Same as Act I., Scene 1. 
Scene 2.— Garden and small park in rear of Mr. Hardcastle's mansion, l. c. 



R. V. E. 

R. ^K. 

r. 1 E. 



Tree. 



L. 2 
I-. ] 



Trees and shrubbery, 



and L. trees and ornamental shrubbery. On*R. v. 2 e. a tree, looking rudely like a 
man with arm extended, holding a pistol. 
Scene 3. — Same as Act V., Scene 1. 



SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 



COSTUMES. I 

Sir Charles Marlow.— Dark-blue breeches, and waistcoat ; dark-blue camblet 
ridin;? coat, with small cape ; high black boots ; three-cornered hat ; pow- 
dered wig. 

Mr. Hardcastle. — Dark plum-colored suit : knee breeches ; dark silk stockings, 
and buckles in shoos ; wig, yellowish. 

Young Marlow.— Bottle-green surtout coat, with small cape ; white waistcoat ; 
close-fitting pantaloons, and very high black boots, mud-bespattered ; three- 
cornered hat. Second rf/'6*^/! ; Mulberrj'-colored coat; white satin vest; lace 
cravat ; fine white cassimere breeches ; white silk stockings ; black shoes, 
with diamond-mounted buckles. 

Hastings.— Same dresses as Marlow, only varying in color of coats, and style of 
buckles. 

Tony Lu:sipkin.— Scarlet hunting coat ; black velvet jockey cap ; white satin 
vest, elaborately and showily embroidered in colors ; buckskin breeches, and 
top-boots. Tony carries a fox-hunter's whip with long lash, and should be an 
expert in its use. In Act V., Scene 2, Tony's boots should be spattered with 
mud. 

Stingo.— Coarii!e cloth blue coat ; corduroy breeches ; blue 5varn stockings ; lieavy 
shoes, and blue serge apron. 

DiGGORY.— A plain, serviceable livery. His fellow servants in somewhat similar 
dress. 

Mrs. Hardcastle.— i^^^s/ dress : Black quilted skirt, with overdress of heavy silk 
in extravagantly large flower patterns, tucked up in front, and gathered be- 
hind ; silk stockings, and high heeled shoes, with paste buckles ; head dressed 
in very high and extraAagant style. Second dress: Plain stuff, dark petticoat, 
with mud on it ; narrow, black cloak, and plain dark bonnet. 

Miss U. kkdcas-tle.— First dress : Pale rose-colored lutestring silk dress, made and 
trimmed with taste and elegance. Second dress : Cherry spotted muslin gown ; 
little white apron with pockets, trimmed with cherry-colored ribbon. 

Miss Neville.— Blue silk waist ; and white skirt, trimmed with narrow blue satin 
ribbon. 



PROPERTIES. 



Huntsman's whip for Tony ; pipes (\ong cla}') ; tobacco ; bowl of punch and 
glasses for each table at " Three Pigeons ;" a mallet for Tony ; two candles in 
high, old style silver candlesticks ; large silver tankard ; bill of fare ; jug of ale ; 
jewel casket for Tony ; prints on wall. 



STAGE DIRECTIOlSfS. 

R. means Right of Stage, facing the Audience ; L. Left ; C. Centre ; R. C. Right 
of Centre ; L. C. Left of Centre. D. F. Door in the Flat, or Scene running across 
the back of the Stage ; C. D. F. Centre Door in the Flat ; R. D. F. Right Door in 
the Flat ; L. D. F. Left Door in the Flat ; R. D. Right Door ; L. D. Left Door ; 1 
E. First Entrance ; 2 E. Second Entrance ; U. E. Upper Entrance ; 1, 2 or 3 G. 
First, Second or Third Groove. 

R. R. C. C. L. C. L. 

^^ The reader is supposed to be upon the Stage, facing the Audience. 



SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEE. 9 

ins roles of this play. Space would not allow of our mentioning them all. So we 
come to the more recent revival of the piece (that which took place and was so 
finely rendered at " Wullack's " in the season of 1875-6). Later Wallack, as Young 
Marlow, gave as fine a personation of this very difficult character as we have ever 
seen ; he was equally good as the insolent fop, and the timid young gentleman ; 
voice, facial expression, attitude, all were alike excellent. Harry Beckett, as Tont 
Lumpkin, could have given almost any of his predecessors in the character " the 
long odds," and distanced the whole field. We doubt if ever the part of Mrs. Hard- 
castle was entrusted to an abler representative than Madame Ponisi. The most 
exacting critic could find no flaw in this lady's admirable rendition of the fond, 
foolish, mother — so ridiculous and j'et so natural. Miss I)yas.inade a pleasing ^Miss 
Hardcastle ; but to those who remember Mrs. Hoey in the same character, it 
seemed by no means great. Miss Neville was performed Avith an unobtrusive 
refinement and excellence characteristic of Miss lone Burke's personations. Mr. 
Gilbert, as Mr. Hardcastle, has never played a character, to our thinking, in 
which he so completely filled all the requirements of the part. He looked, acted, 
and spoke, as if he had been really '• to the tnanor born," and had often danced 
"Sir Roger de Coverly"at the head of his tenants. He looked indeed like a 
gentleman who might have dined with Johnson and have loaned Goldsmith a 
guinea. Mr. E. M. Holland was quite good in the stolid Diggory. 

H. L. W. 



PROLOG UE. 

Written by David Garrick, 

Enter Mr. Woodward, dressed in black, and holding a handkerchief to his < 

Excuse me, sirs, I pray, I can't yet speak, 
I'm crying now — and have been all the week ! 
'Tis not alone this mourning suit, good masters ; 
I've that within— for which there are no plasters ! 
Pray would you know the reason why I'm crying ? 
The comic muse, long sick, is now a-dying ! 
And if she goes my tears will never stop ; 
For, as a play'r, I can't squeeze out one drop ; 
I am undone, that's all— shall lose my bread — 
I'd rather, but that's nothing, lose my head. 
When the sweet maid is laid upon the bier, 
Shuter and /shall be chief mourners here. 
To her a mawkish drab of spurious breed, 
Who deals in sentimentals, will succeed ! 
Poor Ned and / are dead to all intents ; 
We can as soon speak Greek as sentiments ! 
Both nervous grown, to keep our spirits up, 
We now and then take down a hearty cup. 
What shall we do ?— If comedy forsake us ! 
They'll turn us out and no one else will take us. 
But why can't I be moral ?— Let me try— 
My heart thus pressing— fix'd my face and eye — 
With a sententious look that nothing means 
(Faces are blocks in sentimental scenes). 
Thus I begin :— All is not gold that glitters ; 
Pleasure seems sweet, but proves a glass of bitters. 
When Ign'rance enters Folly is at hand ; 
Learning is better far than house and land. 
Let not your virtue trip, who trips may stumble ; 
And virtue is not virtue if she tumble. 



10 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 

I give it up— morals won't do for me ; 
To make you laugh I must plaj' tragedy. 
One hope remains— hearing the maid was ill, 
A doctor comes this night to show his skill. 
To cheer her heart, and give your muscles motion, 
He, in five draughts prepared, presents a potion ; 
A kind of magic charm— for be assured 
If you but swallow it the maid is cur'd ; 
But desp'rate the doctor, and her case is, 
If you reject the dose, and make wry faces ! 
This truth he boasts, will boast it while he lives, 
No pois'nous drugs are mixed with what he gives. 
Should he succeed you'll give him his degree ; 
If not, within he will receive no fee ! 
The college, you must his pretensions back. 
Pronounce him regular, or dub him quack. 



EPILOGUE. 



Well, having stooped to conquer with success. 

And gain'd a husband, without aid from dress, 

Still as a bar-maid I could wish it too, 

As I have conquered him, to conquer you ; 

And let me say for all your resolution. 

That pretty bar-maids have done execution. 

Our life is all a play, composed to please, 

"We have our exits and our entrances.'" 

The first act shows the simple country maid. 

Harmless and young, of everything afraid ; 

Blushes when hir'd, and with unmeaning action, 

" She hopes as how to give you satisfaction." 

Her second act displays a livelier scene— 

The unblushing bar-maid of a country inn ; 

Who whisks about the house, at market caters, 

Talks loud, coquets the guests, and scolds the waiters. 

Next the scene shifts to town, and there she soars, 

The chop-house toast of ogling connoisseurs ; 

On 'squires and cits she there displays her arts. 

And on the gridiron broils her lovers' hearts — 

And as she smiles, her triumph to complete. 

Even common council men forget to eat. 

The fourth act shows her wedded to the 'squire, 

And madam now begins to hold it higher ; 

Pretends to taste, at operas cries caro, 

And quits her Nancy Dawson for Che Faro ; 

Doats upon dancing, and, in all her pride. 

Swims round the room, the Heinel of Cheapside ; 

Ogles and leers with artificial skill. 

Till having lost in age the power to kill, 

She sits all night at cards, and ogles at spadille. 

Such through our lives the eventful history — 

The fifth and hist act still remains for me. 

The bar-maid now for your ])rotection prays, 

Turns female barrister, and pleads for Bayes. 



SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER, 



ACT I. 

SCENE I. — A room in Mr. Hardcastl&'s old mansion. 

Enter Mrs. Hardcastle and Mr. Hardcastle, r. 

Mrs. Hardcastle (c). I vow, Mr. Hardcastle, you're very particu- 
lar. Is there a creature in the whole country, but ourselves, that does 
not take a trip to town now and then, to rub off the rust a little 7 
There's the two Miss Hoggs, and our neighbor Mrs. Grigsby, go to lake 
a month's polishing eve-y winter. 

Mr. Hardgas le (r c). Ay, and bring back vanity and affectation 
to last them a whole year. I wonder why London cannot keep its own 
fools at home 7 In my time, the foUies of the town crept slowly amono- 
us. but now they travel faster than a stage-coach. Its fopperies come 
down, not only as inside passengers, but in the very basket. 

Mits. H Ay, your times were fine times, indeed ; you have been tell- 
ing us of them for many a long year. Here we live in a rumbling old 
mansion, that looks for all the world like an inn, but that we never see 
compmy. Our best visitors are old Mrs. Oddfish, the curate's wife, and 
little Cripplegate, the lame dancing-master; and all our entertainment 
your old stories of Prince Eugene and the Duke of Marlborough. I 
hafe such old-fashioned trumpery. 

Mr. H. And I love everytliing that's old ; old friends, old times, old 
manners, old books, old wine; and I believe, Dorothy, {ta-pping her 
und'ir the chin) you'll own I have been pretty fond of an old wife. 

Mrs. H. Lord, Mr. Hardcastle, you're for ever at your Dorothy's, 
and your old wife's. You miy be a Darby, but I'll be no Joan, I pro- 
mise you I'm not so old as you'd make me by more than one good 
year. Add twenty to twenty, and make money of that. 

Mr. H. (c). Let me see! twenty added to twenty makes just fifty 
and seven. 

Mus. H. (l c). It's false, Mr. Hardcastle; I M'as but twentv when 
I was brought to bed of Tony, that I had by Mr. Lumpkin, my first 
husband ; and he's not come to years of discretion yet. 

Mit. H. Nor ever will, I dare answer for him. Ay, you have taught 
him finely. 

M IS. H No matter, Tony Lumpkin has a good fortune. M}^ son is 
not to live by his learning I don't think a boy wants much learning to 
spend fifteen hundred a year. 

Mr. H. Learning, quotha ! a mere composition of tricks and mischief. 



12 SHE STOOPS TO CONQrER. [aCT I. 

Mrs H Humor, my dear, notliincr l)ut liumor. Come, Mr. Hardcas- 
tle, you mnsL allow the boy a litile humor. 

Mr H. I'd sooner allow him a hoisepond If buiTiiug the foofmen's 
shoes fricrhteiiiiig the maids, woiryiiiii the l<itte))s, be Inuuor, he lias it. 
It was but yesterday he jastened my wig to the back of my chair, and 
when I went to make a bow, 1 popt my bald head in Mrs. Frizzle's 
face. 

Mrs. H. And am I to blnme 1 The poor boy was always too sickly 
to do any good. A school would be his death. When he comes to be 
a liLile stronger, who knows what a year or two's Latin may doforliim ? 

Mr H. Latin for him I a cat and a fiddle! No, no; the ale-house 
and the stable are the only schools hell ever go to. 

Mrs. II Well, we must not snub the poor boy now, for I believe we 
shan't have him long among us. Anybody who looks in liis face may 
see he's con.sun)ptive. 

l\la H Ay, if growing too fat be one of the symptoms. 

JMiis H. He couolis .sometimes. 

Mil. H. Yes, when his liquor goes the wrong way. 

Mus H I'm actually afraid of his lunus. 

Mr. H. And tru'y so ain 1 ; for lie sometimes whoops like a speak- 
iuii-trumpet — (Tony Jiallooing behind the scenes^ r.) — 0, there he goes, 
a very consumptive figure truly ! 

Enter Tony, r., crossing to l. ^ , 

Mrs. H (l c ). Tony, where are you going, my charmer ? Won't 
you give papa and I a little of your company, lovee? 

Tony (l.). I'm in haste, mother; I can't stay ! 

Mrs. H. Yon shan't venture out this raw evening, my dear; yoii 
look most shockingly. 

Tony. J can't stay, I tell you. The Three Pigeons expects me down 
every moment. There s some fun going forward. 

Mii. II. < aside r.)- Ay, the ale-house, the old place; I thought so. 

Mr<. H. a low, ])altiy set of fellows. 

Tony. Not so low neither. Tliere's Dick Muggins, the exciseman; 
Jack Slang, the horse-doctor ; Liitle Aminadab, that grinds the music- 
box; and i om Twist, thnt spins the pewier platler. 

Mi;s. H, Pray, my dear, disapf)oint them foi- one night, at least. 

Tony. As for disaj)i)ointing them, I should not so much mind ; but l 
can t ;ibi(lp to disappoint myself. 

Mrs. H. l , detaining him by seizing his icJdp, by ichich he drags 
her about). You shan't go ! 

Tony I will, I te 1 you. 

Mus. H. I say you shan't! 

Tony. We'll see which is the strongest, you or I. 

[Exit L., handing her out. 

Mu. TT. (c ). Ay, there gops a pair, that only spoil each other. But 
is not the whole age in a combination to drive sense and discretion out 
()f door 7 There's my ])retty das-ling Kate, the fashion of the times have 
almost infected her too. By livij g a y^ar or two in town, she is as fond 
of gauze and French frippery as the best of them. 

Enter Miss, Hakdcastle, r. 

Blessinirs on my pretfy innoconce ! Diest out as usiinT. my Kate. 
Goodness ! \vli;ita quantity of supeitluous siik hast thou got about thee, 



./Act I.] SHE STOOPS to coxquiiK. 13 

jgiil ! I nevpr could teach the fools of this age that the indigent world 
Icoiild be clothed out of the trininiings of the \ain ! 

Miss Hardcastle (c). You know our agreement, sir. You alU)\v 
me the morning to receive and pa}' visits, and to dress in my own man- 
ner ; and in the evening I i)at on my housewife's dress to |)leaseyou 

Mr. H. Well, remember I insist, on the terms of our agieement : and 
by-the-bye, I believe I shall have occasion to try your obedience this 
very evening. 

Miss H. I protest, sir; I don't comprehend your meaning. 

M;{. H. Then, to be plain with yon, Kate, I exjject the young gentle- 
man I have chosen to be your husband froivj town this very day. I h;ive 
his fatiier's letter, in which he informs me his son is set out, and tiiat 
he intends to follow him shortly after. 

Miss H. Indeed ! I wish I had known something of this before. 
Bless me, how shall I behave'? It's a thousand to one I siian't like 
him ; our meeting will be so formal, and so like a thing of business, 
that I shall tind no room for friendship or esteem. 

Mr. H. Depend u|)on it, child, I'll never conti^)! your choice ; but 
Mr. Marlow, whom I have pitched ujion, is the son of Sir Charles Mai- 
low, of whom you have heard me talii so often. The young gentleman 
has been bred a scholar, and is designed for an employment in the ser- 
vice of his country. 1 am told hes a man of an excellent understanding. 
r" ?,?iss H Is he 1 
I Mr. H. Very generous. 

Miss H. i believe I shall like him. 

Mti. II. Young and brave. 

Miss H. I'm sure I shall like him. 

Mr II. And very handsome. 

Miss II. My dear pai)a, say no more, {kissing Jds hand) He's mine, 
I'll have him. 

Mr. H. And to crown all, Kate, he's one of the most bashful and 
reserved young fellows in all the world. 

Miss H. Eh ! you have frozen me to death asain. That word re- 
served has undone all the rest of his accomplishments. A reserved 
lover, it is said, always makes asusjjicious husband, 

Mr H. On tiie contrary, modesty seldom resides in a breast that is 
not enriched with nobler virtues. It was the very feature in his char- 
acter that first struck me. 

Miss H. He must have more striking features to catch me, I promi.'-e 
you. However, if he be so younji, so handsome, and so everything, as 
you mention, I believe hell do still, I think I'll have him. 

Mr H. Ay Kate, but there is still an obstacle. It is moie than an 
even waner ho may not have you. 

Miss H. My dear papa, why will you niortify one so? Well, if ho 
refuse, instead of breaking my heart at his ind.tierence, 111 only bieak 
my glass for its flntteiy ; set my cap to some newer fashion, and look 
out for some less diincult admirer. 

Mr. H. Bravely lesolved 1 {takes her Jiands^ In the meantime, 111 oo 
prepare the servants for his leception ; as we selduui see company, th^y 
want as much training as a company of recruits, the first dav's n u^ier. 

'[Exit L. 

iMiss H. (c.)- Lul! this news of papa's ])uts me all in a flutter ! 
Young, handsome ; these he [lUt last ; but I i)Ut them foremost. Sen- 
sible, good-natured ; 1 like all that. But then reserved, and sheepi.sh, 
that's mu(;h a^iainst him. Y''et can't he be cured of his timid ty by be- 
ing taught to be proud of his wife? Yes, and can't I — But I vow I'm 
disposing of the husband before I have secured the lover. 



14 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUES. [aCT I. 

Enter Miss Neville, r. 

I'm glad you've come, my dear. Tell me, Constance, how do I look 
this "evening 7 Is there anything whimsical about me '^ Is it one of 
my well-looking days, child 1 Am I in face to-day 1 

Miss Neville (c). Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I look again — bless 
nie — sure no accident has happened among the canary birds or the gold 
fislies? Has your brother or the cat been meddling'? Or has the last 
novel been too moving 1 

Miss H. No; nothing of all this, I have been threatened. I can 
scarcely get it out — I have been threatened with a lover. 

Miss N. And his name 

Miss H. Is Marlow. 

Miss N. Indeed ! 

Miss H. The son of Sir Charles Marlow. 

Miss N. As I live, the most intimate friend of Mr. Hastings, my ad- 
mirer. They are never asunder — I believe you must have seen him 
when we lived in town. 

Miss H. Never. 

Miss N. He's a very singular character, I assure you. Among wo- 
men of reputation and virtue he is the modestest man alive ; but his 
acquaintance give him a very different character among creatures of 
another stamp — you understand me. 

Miss H. An odd character, indeed : I shall never be able to manage 
him. What shall I do 7 Pshaw, think no more of him, but trust to 
occurrences for success. But how goes on your own affair, my dear ; 
has my mother been courting you for xuy brother Tony, as usual 1 

Miss N. I have just come from one of our agreeable tete-a-tetes. She 
has been saying a hundred tender things, and setting off her pretty 
monster as the pink of perfection. 

Mi s H. And her partiality is such that she actually thinks him so. 
A fortune like yours is no small temptation. Besides, as she has the solo 
management of it, I'm not surprised to see her unwilling to let it go out 
of the family. 

Miss N. A fortune like mine, which chiefly consists in jewels, is no 
such mighty temptation. But at any rate, if my dear Hastings be but 
constant, I make no doubt to be too hard for her at last. -However, I 
let her suppose that I am in love with her son. and she never once 
dreams that my affections are fixed upon another. 

Miss H. My good brother holds out stoutly. I could almost love 
him for hating you so. 

Miss N. it is a good-natured creature at bottom, and I'm sure would 
wish to see me married to anybody but himself. But my aunt's bell 
rings for our afternoon's walk lound the improvements. Allons ! Cour- 
age is necessary, as our affairs are critical. 

Miss H. Would it were bed-time, and all were well ! [Exeunt, l. 

SCENE II. — Large public room, in the " Three Pigeons " public house. 
R. c. and L. c, two large tables are set, icith rude, rush-bottomed 
chairs on each side, and one at head of each table ; about r. 3 l. 
L. very large old-fashioned fire-place, in which a good wood- fire is 
blazing ; l. u e., a small bar is arranged, with a little con.nter and 
shelves. Tony is seated at head of r. c. table, a little higher than 
others. The other chairs are filled by rather shabby looking fellows. 
All are supplied with long clay pipes, and glasses of punch. 

All. Hurrea ! liurrea ! hurrea ! Bravo ! 



r 



T T.] SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 15 

First Fellow, Now, crentlemen, silence for a song ; the 'Squire is 
gointr to knock liimself down for a song. 

All. Ay, a song ! a song ! 

To.NY. Then I'll sing you, gentlemen, a song I made upon this ale- 
house, the Three Pigeons.* 

Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain, 

With grammar, and nonsense, and learning, 
Good liquor, I stoutly maintain, 

Gives genius a better discerning ; 
Let them brag of their heathenish gods. 

Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians ; 
Their quis and their qnass, and their quods. 

They're all but a parcel of i)igeons, 

Toroodle, toroodle, toroll. 

When old ranting preachers come down 

A-preaching that drinking is sinful, 
I'll wager the rascals a crown, 

They always preach best with a skinful : 
But when you come down with your pence, 

For a slice of your scjirvy religion, 
I'll leave it to all men of sense. 

But you, my good fiiends, are the pigeons. 

Toroodle, toroodle, toroll. 

Then come, put the jorum about. 

And let us be merry and clever ; 
Our hearts and our liquors are stout, 

Here's the three jolly pigeons for ever; 
Let some cry up woodcock or hare, 

Your bus-tards, your ducks, and your widgeons ; 
But of all tlie birds in the air. 

Here's a health to the three jolly pigeons ! 

Toroodle, toroodle, toroll.f 

First Fel. The 'Squire has got spunk in Iiim, 

Second Fel. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he never gives us 
nothing that's low. 

Third Fel. O, d — n anything that's low, I can't a-bear it. 

Fourth Fel. The genteel thing is the genteel thing a'ter all. If so 
be that a gentleman bees in a concatenation accordingly. 
' Third Fel. I like the maxim of it. Master Muggins. What though I 
am obligated to dance a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that. 
May this be my poison, if my bear ever dances but to the very genteel- 
est of tunes. Water Parted, or the Minuet in Ariadne. 

Second Fel. What a pity it is the 'S(][uire is not come to his own ! It 
would be well for all the publicans within ten miles round of him. 

Tony. Ecod, and so it would. Master Slang. I'd then show what it 
was to keej) choice of company. 

Third Fel 0, he takes after his owm father for that. To be sure, 
old Squire Lumpkin was the finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on. 
For winding the streight horn, or beating a thicket for a hare, or a 
wench, he never had his fellow. It was a saying in the place, that he 
kept the best horses, dogs, and girls, in the whole countiy. 

* The son": entitled "The Jolly Wagoners" was substituted for this, the au- 
thor's, at "Waliack's." 
t For the music of this song see last page. 



16 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEE. [aCT I. 

Tony. Eco'l ! and when Vm ofawe I'll be no bastard, T promise j'ou. 
I liave been thinkincr of BpL Bonncei- and the miller's gray mare to be- 
gin with. But come, my boys, drink about and be merry, for you pay 
110 reckoning. Well, Stingo, what's the matter 1 

Eater Landlord, l. 

Landloud (l.). There be two gentlemen in a post-chaise at the door. 
They have lost their way upo' the forest; and they are talking some- 
tliing about Mr. Hardcastle. 

Tony. As suie as can be, one of them must be the gentleman that's 
coming down to court my sister. Then desire them to step this way, 
find I'll set them right in a twinkling. [Exit Landlord, l. 

Gentlemen, as tliey mayn't be good enough company for you step down 
for a moment, and ril be with you in the scpieezing of a lemon. 

[Exeunt Mob, r. 2 e. Tony rises and advances, c. 
Father-in-law has been calHng me whelp, and hound, this half year. 
Now if I |)leased, I could be so revenged upon the old grumbletonian. 
But then Im afraid— afraid of what? I shall soon be worth fifteen hun- 
dred a year, and let him frighten me out of that if he can. 

Enter Landlord, conducting Marlow and Hastings, l. Tosy (/ocs 

hack. 

Marlow (l. c.) What a tedious, uncomfortable day have we had of 
it ■? We were told it was but forty miles across the country, and we 
have come above three-score. 

Hastings (l. c — Tony and Stingo confer at table in hack fj round). 
And all, Marlow, from that unaccountable leserve of yours, that would 
not let us inciuire more frequently on the way. {1o:s\ conies forward, 
R. c ) 

Mar. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling to lay myself under an obli- 
cation to every one I meet, and often stand the chance of an unman- 
nerly answer. , 

Hast. At present, however, we are not likely to receive any answer. 

Tony {icith hid pipe in Ids hand, r. c). No offence, gentlemen. But 
I'm told you have been inquiring for one Mr. Hardcastle, in these parts. 
Do vou know what part of the country you are in 1 

Hast Not in the least sir ; but sliouUl thank you for information. 

Tony. Nor the way you came 1 

Hast. No, sir; but if you can inform u.^ 

Tony. Why, iientlemen, if you kuow neither the road you are 2foing, 
nor where you are, nor the load you came, the first thing 1 have to in- 
form you is, that you have lost your way. 

Mar. We wanted no information of that, sir. 

Tony. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold as to ask the place from 
whence you came "? 

Mar That's not necessary towards directing us where we are to go. 

Tony. No offence; but question for question is all fair, you know. 
Pray, gentleman, is not this same Hardcastle a cross-grained, old-fash- 
ioned, whimsical fellow, with an ugly face ; a daughter, and a pretty 
son 1 

Hast. We have not seen the gentleman, but he has the family you 
mention. 

Tony. The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trollopins, talkative maypole. 
The son, a pretty, well-bred, agreeable youthj that everybody is fond 
of. 



'a/.ctl] she stoop.j to coxquls. 17 

iNI^R, Our information differs in this. The daugrlitsr is said to be 
well-bred and beautiful ; the son, an awkward booby, reared up, and 
spoiled at his mother's apron strinsf. 

Tojs^Y. He-he-heni ! Then sentlemen, all I liave to tell you is, that 
you won't reach Mr. Hardcastie's house this night I believe. 

Hast. Unfortunate ! 

Tony. It's a d— d long, dark, boggy, dirty, datigerous way. Stingo, 
tell the gentlemen the way to Mr. Hardcastle';? — {icitiking upon the 
Lv.vDLOKD) Mr. Hardcastle, of Quagmire Marsh, you know, yi'etiirns 
to the. table— lights his pipe — stands tittering.) 

Land. (r. c. ). Master Hardcastle's ! Lack-a-dais}', my masters, 
you re come a deadly deal wrong 1 When you came to the bottom of 
tha hill you should have crossed- down fcfquash Lane. 

Mar. Cross down Squash Lane 1 

Land. Then you were to keep straight forward, till you came to 
where four roads meet. 

Mar. Come to where four roads meet 7 

Tony {comes from l. to c). Ay; but you must be sure to take only 
one of them. 

Mar 0, sir, you're facetious. 

Tony. Then keeping to the right, you are to go sideways till you 
come upon Crackskull Common ; there you must look sharp for the 
track of the wheel, and go forward till you come to Farmer Murrain's 
barn ; coming to the Farmer's barn, you are to turn to the right and 
then to the left, and then to the right about again, till you find out the 
old mill 

Mar. Zounds, man ! Ave could as soon find out the longitude ! 

Hast. Wiiat's to be done, Marlow 7 

Mar This house promises but a poor reception; though perhaps the 
landlord can accommodate us. 

Land, (r.)- Alack, master ; we have but one spare bed in the whole 
liouse. 

ToxY. And to my knowledge, that's taken up by three lodgers already. 
{after a pause, in ichicli the rest seem disconcerted) I have hit it. 
D>)M't you think. Stingo, our landlady could accommodate the gentle- 
men by the fireside, wiih — three chairs and a bolster"? 

Hast. D — n your fireside ! 

Mar. (c.K And your three chairs and a bolster, sav I. 

Tony. You do, do you ] — then let me see — what — if you goon a mile 
further, to the Buck's Head 1 the old Buck's Head on the hill, one of 
th^ best inns in the whole country ? 

Hast. ho ! so we have escaped an adventure for this night, how- 
ever. 

Land, {apart to Tony, r.). Sure, you ben't sending them to your 
fiilier's as an inn, be you? 

Tony \ apart to Stingo). Mum, you fool you! Let them find that 
out. {to them\ You have only to keep on straight forward, till you 
come to a large old house by the roadside. You'll see a pair of lar^e 
horns over the door — that's the sign. Drive up the yard, and call 
stout'y about yon. 

Hast. Sir, we are obliged to you. The servants can't miss the way. 

Tow. No no; bnt I tell you though, the landlord is rich, and going 
to leave off business ; so he wants to be thought a gent'emar), saving 
your presence, he I he! he! Ha'U be for givmg you his company, and, 
ecod ! if you niiml him. he'll persuade you that his mother was an ald- 
erman, and his aunt a justice of peace. 



13 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [ACT I 

Land. A troublesome old -blade, to be sure ; but a keeps as good 
wines and beds as any in the whole country. 

Mail (l. c). Well, if he supplies us with these, we shall want no 
further connection. We are to turn to the right, did you say 1 

Tony (l. c). No, no; straight forward. I'll just step myself and 
.show you a piece of the way. {to the Landlord, l.) IMuni ! 

Land. (l. c). Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleasant — d — d mis- 
chievous son of a 

[Exeunt, l. Landlord skipping, as Tony cuts at him with Ids whip. 



ACT IL 



SCENE I.— Parlor in Mr. Hardcastlk's house. The fire-place is 
richly carved, hut in old dark icood, all suggestive of solid comfort. 

Enter \lk^T)Cx?>TijV., followed hi/ Diggory and three or four awkward 

SERVANTS; L. 2 E. 

Mr. H. Well, I hope you're perfect in the table exercise 1 have been 
teachini^ you these three days. You all know your posts and youf. 
places, and can show that you have been used to good company, with- 
out stirring from home 1 

All (r. and l.J, Ay ! ay ! 

Mi{. H. When company comes, you are not to pop out and stare, and 
then run in again, like frightened rabbits in a warren. 

Ar.L. No! no! 

]Mr. H. You, Diggory, whom T have taken from the barn, are to 
make a show at the side table; and you, Koger, whom 1 have advanced 
from the plough, are to place yourself behind my chair. But you're 
not to stand so. with your hands in your pockets. Take your hands 
from your pockets, Roger ; and from your head, you blockhead you ! 
See how Diggory carries his hands. They're a little too stiff, indeed, 
but that's no great matter. 

Diggory. Ay, mind how 1 hold them. I learned to hold my hands 
this way, when I was upon drill for the militia. And so being upon 
drill 

Mr. H. You must not be so talkative, Diggorj^ ; you must be all 
attention to the guests. You must hear us talk, and not think of talk- 
ing; you must see ns drink, and not think of drinking; you must see 
lis eat, and not think of eating. 

Dig. By the laws, your worship, that's perfectly unpossible. When- 
ever Diggoi\v sees yeating going forwards, ecod, he's always wishing 
for a mouthful himself! 

Mr. H. Blockhead! is not a bellyful in the kitchen as good as a 
bellyful in the parlor ? Stay your stomach with that reflection. 

Dig. Ecod, I thank your worship ; Til make a shift to stay my stom- 
ach with a slice of cold beef in the i)antry. 

Mr. H. Diogory, you are too talkative. Then if I happen to say a 
good thing, or tell a good story, at table, you must not all burst out a- 
laughinii, as if you made part of the company. 

Dig. Then, ecod, your worship must not tell the story of old Grouse 
in the gunroom ; I can't help laughing at that — he, he, he ! — for the 



A ACT II. ] SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEK. ' 19 

soul of me. W© have laughed at that these twenty years — ha, ha, ha ! 
{cdl In iigh. ) 

Mr. H. Ha, ha, ha ! The story is a good one. Well, honest Diggory, 
you may laugli at that — but still remember to be attentive. Suppose 
one of the company should call for a glass of wine, how will you be- 
have 1 A glass of wine, sir, if you please, {to Diggory) Eh, why don't 
you move 1 

Dig. Ecod, your worship, I never have courage till I see the eatables 
and drinkables brought upon the table, and then I am as bauld as a 
lion. 

Mr. H. What, will nobody move 1 

FiRVT Serv. I'm not to leave this place. 

Second ^erv. I'm sure it's no pleace of mine. 

Third Serv. Nor mine, for sartin. 

Mr. H. You numskulls ! and so while, like your betters, you are 
quarrelling for place, the guests must be starved 1 0, you dunces ! I 
find I must begin all over again, {hdl rinf/s, l.) But don't I hear a 
coach drive into the yard 1 To your i)osts, you blockheads I I'll go, 
iVthe meantime, and give my old friend's son a hearty welcome at the 
gate. [E.vit, L. 

* Dig. Zounds ! my place is gone clean out of my head. 

Fii;sT Serv. Where the devil is minel 

Second Serv. My place is to be nowhere at all ; so I'ze go about my 
business. [Exeunt Servants, runnmg about frigJitened, different ways. 

Enter Servants, with candles, shoicing in Marlow and Hastings, l. 

Serv. Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome. This wa^^ 

Hast. After the disappointments of the day, welcome once more, 
Charles, to the comforts of a clean room, and a good fiie. Upon my 
word, a very well-looking house; antique, but creditable. 

Mar. The usual fate of a large mansion. Having first ruined the 
master by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as 
an inn. 

Hast. As you say, we passengers are to be taxed to pay all these 
fineries. I have often seen a good side-board, or a marble chimney- 
piece, though not actually put in the bill, inflame the bill confoundedly. 

Mar. Travellers, George, must pay in all places. The only difference 
is, that in good inns you pay dearly for luxuries; in bad inns you are 
fleeced and starved. 

Hast. You have lived pretty much among them. In truth I have 
been often surprised that you, who have seen so much of the world, 
with your natural good sense, and your many opportunities, could 
never yet acquire a requisite share of assurance. 

Mar. The Enulishman's malady. But tell me, George, where could 
I have learned that assurance you talk of 7 My life has been chiefly 
spent in a college, or an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part of the 
creation that chiefly teoch men confidence. 1 don't know that I was 
ever familiarly acquainted with a sinjile modest woman — except my 
mother. But among females of another class you know 

Ha<t. Ay, among them you are impudent enough of all conscience. 

]M\u. They are with us, you know. 

Hast. But in the company of women of reputation I never saw such 
an idiot, such a trembler ; you look for all the world as if you wanted 
an opportunity of stealing out of the room. 

Mar. (c ). Why, man, that's because I do want to steal out of the 
room. Faith, I have often formed a resolution to break the ice, and 



20 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT II\ j^ 

rattle away at any rate. But I don't know how, a single glance from a 
])air of fine eyes lias totrtliy overset my resolution. An impudent fel- 
low may counierteit modesty, but I'll be hanged if a modest man can 
ever counterfeit impudence. 

Hast. (u. c). If you could but say half the fine things to them that 
I iiave iiea.d you lavish upon the bar-maid of an inn, or even a college 
bed-malcei'. 

Mar Wh}% George, I can't say fine things to them. They freeze, 
they petiify me. They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, 
01- some such bagatelle; but to me a modest woman, diest out in all 
1km- finer}', is the most tremendous ol)ject of the wliole cieation. 

H\ST. Ila ! ha! ha! At this rate, man, how can you ever expect 
to marry 1 

Mar. Never, unless, as among kings and princes, my biide were to 
be courted by proxy. If, indeed, lilie an Eastern biidegroom one wee 
to be introduced to a wife he never saw before, it might be endured. 
But to go Mirough all the terrors of a formal courtship, together with 
the episode of aunts, grandmothers, and cousins, and at last to bhirt 
out the broad staring question of '■' Madam, will you marry me 1" No, 
no, that's a strain much above me, I assure you. 

Hast. I pity you But how do you intend behaving to the lady you 
are come down to visit at the request of your lather 1 

Mau. As I behave to all other ladies Bow verj' low, answer ''yes,'-' 
or 'no," to all her demands. But for the rest, I don't think I shall 
venture to look in her face till I see my father's again. 

Hast. I'm surprised that one who is so warm a friend can be so cool 
a lover. 

Mar. To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my chief inducement down 
was to he instrumental in forwarding your hapj)iness, not my own. 
Miss Neville loves you ; the family don't know you ; as my friend you 
are sure of a reception, and let honor do the rest. 

Hast. My dear Marlow ! But I'll suppress the emotion. Were I a 
w-retch, meaidy seeking to cai-ry off a fortune, you should be the last 
man in the world I would apply to for assistance. But Miss Neville's 
person is all I ask, and that is mine,, both from her deceased father's 
consent, and her own inclination. 

Mar. Happy man! You have talents and art to captivate any wo- 
man. I'm doonied to adore the sex and yet to converse with the only 
l)art of it I despise. Tiiis stammer in my address, and this a^vUward 
])rei)ossessing visage of mine, can never ])ermit me to soar above the 
reach of a milliner's 'prentice, or one of the duchesses of Drury Lane. 
Pshaw ! this fellow here to interrupt us ! 

Enter HAiincASTLE, l. 

AIr. H. (l. c). Gentlemen, once more you are heartily welcome. 
Which is Mr. Marlow 1 Sir, you're heartily welcome. It's not my way, 
you see, to receive my friends with my back to ihe fire. I like to give 
them a hearty reception in the old style at my gate. I like to see their 
horses and trunks taken care of. 

MxR. (aside). He has got our names from the servants already, (to 
Hai.'Dcastle) \Ve ai)i)iove your caution and hospitality, [to Hastings) 
I have been thiidcing. George, of changing our travelling dre^ises in tiie 
morning, I am grown confoundedly ashamed of mine. 

Mr. H. (putting chairs and tables in order i}i background) I beg, 
Mr. Marlow, you'll use no ceremony in this house. 



^CT IT.] SHE STOOrS TO COXQUER, 21 

Hast. I fancy, George, you're right ; tlie first blow is half the battle. 
I iiilend opening the campaign with tlie wliiie and gold. 

Mr. H. [still busy in background). Mr. Marlow— Mr. Hastings — 
gentlemen — pray be under no restraint in this house. This is Liberty 
Hall, gentlemen. You may do just as you please here. 

Mak. Yet, George, if we ojjen the campaiun too fiercely at first, we 
may want ammunition before it is over. I think to reserve tlie embroid- 
ery to secure a retreat 

Mr. H. {X)uts a chair between them and sits). Your talking of a re- 
treat, Mr. Marlow, puts me in mind of the Duke of Marlborough, when 
he went to besiege Denain. He first summoned the garrison 

Mar. {sits, r. c). Aye, and we'll summon your garrison, old l)oy. 

Mr. H. He first summoned the garrison, which might consist of 
about five thousand men 

Hast, [sits, l. c). What a ."^trange fellow is this ! 

Mr. H. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, he summoned the 
garrison, which might consist of about five tliousand men 

Mar. Well, but suj)i)Ose 

Mr. H. Which mioht consist of about five thousand men, well ap- 
pointed with stores, ammunition, and other implements of war. Now, 
says the Duke of Marlborough to George B ooks, that stood next to 
him — you must have heard of George Brooks — Til pawn my dukedom, 
says he, but I take that garrison without spilling a drop of blood. 
So 

Mar. What, my good friend, if you give us a glass of ])unch in the 
meantime, it would help us lo carry on the siege with vigor. 

Mr. H. Punch, sir? 

Mar. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey, 
will be comfortable. This is Liberty Hall, you know. 

Mr. H. {rises, and goes l.). Here s a cup, sir. 

Mar. {aside). So this fellow, in his Liberty Hall, will only let us have 
just, what he ])leases. 

Mr. H. {taking the ciq} and drinks). T hope you'll find it to your 
mind. I have prepared it with my own hands, and I believe you'll own 
the ingredients are tolerable. Will you be so good as to plediie me, 
sir? Here, Mr. Marlow. here is lo our better acquaintance, {drinks.) 

Mar. (aside). A very impudent fellow, this ! but he's a character, 
and ni humor him a little, (aloud ) Sir, my seivice to you. (drinks.) 

Hast, (aside). I see this fellow wants to give us his company, and 
forgets that he's an inn-keeper before he has learned to be a gentle- 
man. 

Mar. From the excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose you 
have a good deal of business in this pai-t of the country. Warm work, 
now and then, at elections, I supi)ose'? 

Mr. ]L No, sir; I have long given that work over. 

Hast. So. then, you have no turn for })olitics, I find 1 

Mr. H. Why, no, sir; there was a time, indeed, when I fretted myself 
ftbout the mistakes of government, like other people; but finding my- 
self eveiy day grow more angrj'^, and the government no better, 1 left 
it to mend itself. Sir, my service to you. {drinks.) 

Hast. So that, with eating above stairs, and drinking below, with 
receiving your friends within, amusing them without, you lead a goo<l, 
l)lensfin(, bustling life af it. 

Mr H. I do stir about a great deal, that's certain. Half the differ- 
enoi^s of the ])arish nre adjusted in this very parlor. 

Mar (after drinking). And you have an argument in your cup, old 
gentleman, better than any in Westminster Hall. 



22 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEK. [aCT T 



Mr. H. Aye, j'oung gentleman, that, and a little philosophy. 

Mar. (aside). Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an inn-keep- 
er's i)liilosophy. 

Hast. So, then, like an experienced general, you attack them on 
every quarter. If you find their reason manageable you attack it with 
your pljilosophy ; if you find they have no reason, you attack them 
with tliis. Here's your health, my philosophei'. [drinks.) 

Mr. H. Good, very good, thank you ; ha ! lia ! Your generalship 
puts me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the 
battle of Belgrade. You shall hear. 

Mar. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I think it's almost time to 
talk about supper. "What has your philosophy got in the house for 
supper 1 

Mr. H. For supper, sirl [rises — aside) Was ever such a request 
made to a man in his own house 1 

Mak. Yes, sir, supper, sir ; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall make 
deviHsh work to-night in the larder, I promise you. [pushes Hardcas- 
TLE away, and lays Ids leys in his chair.) 

Mr. H. [stands amazed, l. c. Aside). Such a brazen dog sure never 
my eyes beheld, [to Marlow) Why, really, sir, as for sui)per, I can't 
well tell. My Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between 
them. I leave these kind of things entirely to them. 

Mar. You do, do you ? 

Mr. H. Entirely. By-the-bye, I believe they are in actual consulta- 
tion upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen. 

Mar. Then I beg they'll admit me as one of their privy council. It's 
a way I have got. When I travel, I always choose to regulate my own 
supper. Let the cook be called. No ofience, I hope, sir. 

Mr. H. 0, no, sir, none in the least; yet I don't know how; our 
Bridget, the cook-maid, is not very communicative upon these occa- 
sions. Should we send for her she might scold us all out of the house. 

Hast. Let's see the list of the larder, then. I ask it as a favor. I 
always match my appetite to my bill of fare. 

Mar. [to Hardcastle, icho looks at than icith surprise). Sir, he's 
very right, and it's my way too. 

Mr. H. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, bring 
us the bill of fare for to-night's supper — I believe it's drawn out. Your 
manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle. Colonel Gunthorp. 
It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper till he had 
eaten it. 

Enter Roger, icith a hill of fare, i. 

Hast, (aside). All upon the high ropes ! His uncle a colonel — we 
shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of the i)eace. But let's 
hear the bill of fare. [Exit Roger, l 

Mar. [perusiny). What's here 7 For the first course, for the second 
course, for the dessert ! The devil, sir ! do you think we have brought 
down the whole joiner's company, or the corporation of Bedford 1 two 
or three little things, clean and comfortable, will do. 

Hast. But let's hear it. 

Mar (readiny). " For the first course at the top, a pig's face and 
prune sauce." 

Hast. D — n your pig, I say. 

Mar. D — n your prune sauce, say I. 

Mr. H. And yet, gentleman, to men that are hungry, pig, with prune 
sauce, is very good eating But, gentlemen, you are my guests, make 



ACT n.] SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 23 

what alterations you please. Is there anything else you wish to re- 
trench or alter, gentlemen? 

Mar. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any one 
part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please. So 
much for supper. And now to see that our beds are aired, and lug- 
gase proi)erly taken care of 

Mr. H. I entreat you'll leave all that to me. You shall not stir a 
stej). 

iMar. Leave that to you 1 I protest, sir. You must excuse me, I 
always look to these things myself. 

Mr. H. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on that head. 

Mar. You see I'm resolved on it. (aside) A very troublesome fellow 
this, as ever I met with. 

Mr. H. Well, sir, I'm resolved at least to attend you, (aside) This 
may be modern modesty, but I never saw anything look so like old-fash- 
ioned impudence. [Exeunt Mari.ow and Hahdcastle, r. 

Hast. So I find this fellow's civilities begin to grow troublesome. 
But who can be angry at those assiduities which are meant to please 
him 1 Ha ! what do I see ! Miss Neville, by all that's happy ! 

Enter Miss Neville, l. 

Miss N. (c). Hastings ! To what unexpected good fortune, to what 
accident am I to ascribe this happy meeting 1 

Hast. Let me ask the same question, as I could never .have hoped to 
meet my dearest Constance at an inn. 

Miss N, (l. c). An inn 1 Sure you mistake ! my aunt, my guardian, 
lives here. What could induce you to think this house an inn '? 

Hast. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have 
been sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom we 
accidentally met at a house hard by, directed us hither. 

Miss N. Certainly it must be one of my hopeful cousin's tricks, of 
whom you have heard me talk so often ; ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Hast. He whom your aunt intends for youl He of whom I have 
such just apprehensions 1 

Miss N. You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You'd 
adore him if you knew how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows it 
too, and has undertaken to court me for him, and actually begins to 
think she has made a conquest. 

Hast. You must know, my Constance, I have just seized this happy 
opportunity of my friend's visit here, to get admittance into the family. 
The horses that carried us down are now fatigued with the journey, 
but they'll soon be refreshed ; and then, if my dearest girl will trust to 
her faithful Hastings, we shall soon be out of their power. 

Miss N. I have often told you, that though ready to obey you, I yet 
should leave my little fortune behind with reluctance, the greatest 
l)art of it was left me by my uncle, the India Director, and chiefly con- 
sists in jewels. I have been for some time ])ersuading my aunt to let 
me wear them. I fancy I'm very near succeeding. The instant they 
are put into my possession, you shall find me ready to make them and 
myself yours. 

Hast. Perish the baubles ! Your person is all I desire. In the mean- 
time, my friend Marlow must not be let into his mistake. I know the 
strange reserve of his temper is such, that if abruptly infoimed of it, 
he would instantly quit the house, before our plan was ripe for execu- 
tion. 

Miss N. But how shall we keep him in the deception 1 Miss Hard- 



24 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT H. 

castle is just returned from walkincr: what if we persuade him she is 
come to this house as to an inn 1 Come this waj\ {t/iei/ confer.) 

Enter Marlow, r. 

Mar. (r,). The assiduities of these good people tea55e me beyond 
lieaiing. My host seems to think it ill-manners to leave me alone, and 
so lie claps not only himself hut his old-fashioned wife on my back. 
They talk of coming to sup with us too, and then, I suppose, we are to 
run the gauntlet through all the rest of the family. What have we got 
here % 

Hast. My dear Charles ! Let me congratulate you — the most fortu- 
nate accident. What do you tliiidc is just alighted ] 

Mar. Cannot guess. 

Hast. (r. c. ) Our mistresses, hoy, Miss Hardcastle and IMiss Neville. 
Give me !eave to introduce Miss Constance Neville to your acquain- 
tance. Hap])ening to dine in tlie neighborhood, they called on their 
return to take fresh horses here. Miss Hardcastle has just slept into 
the next lOom, and will be back in an instant. Wasn't it lucky, he ? 

jMar. {aside \ I have just been mortified enough of all conscience, 
and iiere comes something to comf)Iete my embarrassment. 

Hast. Well, but wasn't it the most fortunate thing in the world ? 

Mar. 0. yes, very fortunate — a most joyful encounter! But our 
diesses George, you know, are in disorder. What if we should post- 
pone the hap|)iness till to-morrow — to-morrow at her own house. It 
will he every bit as convenient, and lather more respectful. To-mor- 
row let it i»e. {offering to go, r., Hastings dops Mm.) 

Mi s N. (l. 1 e ). By no means, sir. Your ceremony will displease 
her. The disorder of your dress will show the ardor of your impatience. 
Besides, she knows you are in the house, and will permit you to see 
her. 

Mai;. 0, the devil she will I how shall I support it 7 Hem! hem! 
Hastinjis. yon must not go. You are to assist me, you know. I shall 
be confoundedly ridiculous ! 

Hast Pshaw, man I it's but the first plunge, all's over. She's but 
a woman, you know. 

Mar. And of all women she that I most dread to encounter. 

Enter Miss Hahdcastle, as returning from ^calking, l. 

Hast Cc, introducing 7dm). Miss Hardcastle, Mr. IMarlow. I'm 
proud of bringing two persons of such merit together, that only want 
to know, to esteem each other. 

Miss H. (aside, l.) Now for meeting my modest gentleman, (after 
a pauf? , during icliicli Marlow appears uneasy and disconcerted ) I'm 
glad of your safe arrival, sir — I'm told you had some accide.nts by the 
way. 

Mar. {embarrassed). Only a few, madam. Yes, we had some. Yes, 
madam, a HOod many accidents, but should be soirj- — madam — or rath- 
er alad of any accidents — that are so agreeably concluded. Hem ! 

Hast, {to Marlow). You never spoke better in your whole life. 
Kp'^o it up, and I'll insure you the victory. 

Mi-s H. (l c). I'm afraid you flatter, sir. You that have seen so 
mueli of the finest company can find little entertainment in an obscure 
corner of the country. 

Mar. {gathering courage, l. c). I have lived, indeed, in the world, 



ACT II.] SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 25 

iiia.lnin ; hut I have kept very little company. I have been an observer 
U!.oi) life, madam, while otliers were enjoying it. 

Ha^t, (i!.:; Marlow). Cicero never spoke better. Once move, and 
von are confirmed in assurance for ever. t. i 

' M.VR [to Hastings). Hem ! Stand by me then, and when I m down, 
throw in a word or two to set me up again. - 

Mi^s li. An observer, Hke vou, upon life, were, I fear, disagreeabh 
eini^loyed, since you must have had much more to censure than to ap- 

^"mar Pnrdon mo, madam, I was always willing to be amused. The 
folly of most ])eople is ratlier an object of mirth than uneasuiess. 

Hast {to Mari.ow). Bravo ! bravo ! never spoke so well in your 
whole life Well, Miss Hardcastle, I see that you and Mr. Marlow are 
g.ying to bo very good company. I believe our being here will but em- 
barrass the interview. 

Mar Not in the least, Mr. Hastings. A\e like your company of all 
thinas. {to Hastings) Zounds, George! Sure you won't gol How 
can vou leave us 1 . . 

HksT Our inesence will but spoil conversation, so we 11 retire to the 
next rooni. {to Marlow) You don't consider, man, that we are to man- 
a<^e a little tete-a-tcie of our own. 

[Exeunt Hastijjgs and Miss J^eville, r. 

Mut (R rmV^O- '^^'l'«t the devil shall I do T utlmd) Will you please 
to be seated, madam? {(jets a chair, and sets it hy her, l.) 1 say, 
\\\n:^\u—(g€ts Mmselfa cJiair, hut sits in her chair.) 

Miss H Sir ! (Mart.ow rises, and sits u.) 

Mak. I am afraid, ma'am, 1 am not so hapi)y as to make myselt 
afTi-eeable to the ladies. 

"Miss H {sits L.). The ladies, I should hope, have employed some 
part of vour addresses, (she gmduaUj/ removes her chair ac ro.%^fo Jnm.) 

Mar.^ (relaimng into tiniiditij). Pardon me, madam— I— i— 1— as 
vet have studied— only— to— deserve them. 
* Miss H And that, some sav, is the very worst way to obtain them. 

Mar Perhaps so. madam. But I love to converse only with the 
more grave and sensible part of the sex. But I'm afraid 1 grow tire- 

^^'^Thss H Not at all, sir ; there is nothing I like so much as grave con- 
versation mvself ; I could hear it for ever. Indee.l I have often been 
surprised hmv a man of sentiment could ever admire those light, any 
pleasures, where nothing reaches the heart. . , . x„.t«e 

^ ]VUu. it's— a disease— of tlie mind, madam. In the variety of tastes 
there mu^t b;> some who, wanting a relish— for— um— a— urn— 

Mis^ II I understand vou, sir. There must be some who, wanting 
a relish for refined pleasures, pretend to despise what they are incapa- 
ble of tasting. , , , 

M\i: My "meaning, madam, but infinitely better expressed. 

MissH {aside). Who could ever suppose this gentleman impudent 
upotrsome occasions 1 {to Marlow) You were going to observe sir 

Mar. I was observing, madam— I protest, madam, I fo .get what 1 
^vas <T<)in"^ to observe. , 

M:'^^ II {aside). I vow and so do I. {to MahlowO \ou were observ- 
ing sir tiint in this age of l.vpocrisy-sometliing about hypocrisy, sir. 

Mar Yes, madam. In this age of hypocrisy there are lew who upon 
strict inquiry do not — a — a — a 

Miss H. i understand you perfectly. 

Mvii (.'mV?(3). Egad ! and that's more than I do myselt. 

Miss li. You mean that in this hypocritical age there are few who 



26 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT II. 

do not condemn in public what they practise in private, and think they 
pay every debt to virtue when they praise it. 

Mar. True, madam ; those who have most virtue in their mouths 
have least of it in their bosoms. But I'm sure 1 tire you, madam. 

Miss H. Not in the least, sir ; there's something so ai^reeable and 
spirited in your maimer, such life and foice. Piay. sir, go on. 

Mar Yes, madam, I was saying — But I see Miss Neville expecting 
us in the next room. I would not intrude for the world. 

Miss H. I protest, sir, I w.is never more agreeably entertained in all 
my life. 

Mar. (rises). But she beckons us to join her. Madam, shall I do 
myself the honor to attend you > 

Miss H. (rises). Well, then, I'll follow, [Exit Maulow, r. 

Ha, ha, ha, ha ! Was there ever such a sober, sentimental interview ? 
I'm certain he scarce looked in my face the wliole time. Yet the fel- 
low, but for his unaccountable bashfulness, is pretty well too. He has 
good sense, but then so buried in his fears that it fatigues one more 
than ignorance. If I could teach him a little confidence it would be 
doing somebody that I know a piece of service. But v.dio is that some- 
body 7 — that, faith, is a question I can scarce answer. [Exit, r. ' 

Enter Tony, icifh a jug of ale in Ms hand, and Miss Neville, r. 

Tony (r. ). What do you follow rae for, cousin Con 1 I wonder 
you're not ashamed to be so very engaging. 

Miss N, (r.>. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations, 
and not be to blame. 

Tony (c). Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to malse 
me thoiish ; but it won't do. I tell you, cousin Con, it won't do* so I 
beg you'll keep your distance ; I want no nearer relationship, 

[lie runs off, l. 1 e., she follows. 

Enter Mrs. Hardcastle and Hastings, r. 

Mrs. H. (c). Well, I vow, Mr. Hastings, you are very entertaining. 
There's nothing in the world I like to talk of so much as London, and 
the fashions, though I was never there myself. 

Hast. (r. c). Never there ! You amaze me! From your air and 
maimer I concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, 
St. James's, or Tower Wharf. 

Mrs. H. 0, sir, you're only«pleased to say so. We country persons 
can have no manner at all, I'm in love with the town, and that serves 
to raise me above some of our neighboring rustics ; but who can have a 
manner that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, the 
Borough, and such jdaces where tlie nobility chieflj' resort? All I can 
do is to enjoy London at second-hand, I tal<e care to know every 
tSte-atere fiom the Scandalous Magazine, and have ail tlie fashions, as 
thoy come out, in a letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked Lane, 
Piny, how do you like this head, Mr. Hastings % 

Hast. Extremely elegant anddegagee, upon my word, madam. Your 
friseur is a Frenchman, I suppose 1 

Mrs. H. I ])rotest I dressed it myself from a print in the ladies' book 
for the last year. 

Hast. Indeed ! Such a head in a side-box, at the playhouse, would 
draw as many gazers as my Lady Mayoress, at a city bail. 

Mrs. H. I vow, since inoculation began, there is no such thing to be 



ACT 11.] SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 27 

seen as a plain woman ; so one must dre.-;s a little paiticular, or one 
may escape in the crowd. 

Hast. But that can never be your case, madam, in any dress. (hoi€- 
ing. ] 

Mrs. H. Yet what signifies my dressing, wlien I have such a piec( 
of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle I all I can say wiil not argue 
down a single button from his clothes. 1 liave often wanted him to 
throw off his great flaxen wig, and, where he was bald, to plaster it 
over, like Captain Pately, with powder. 

Hast. You are right, madam ; for, as among the ladies, there are 
none ugly, so among the men, there are none old. 

Mrs. H. But what do you think iiis answer was T Why, with his 
usual gothic vivacity, he said, I only wanted him to throw o^ his wig 
to convert it into a tete for my own wearing. 

Hast. Intolerable ! At your age you may wear what you please, 
and it must become you. 

Mrs. H. Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the most fash- 
ionable age about town 1 

Hast. Some time ago forty was all the mode ; but I'm told the 
ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter. 

Mrs. H. Seriously ! Then I shall be too young for the fashion. 

Hast. No lady begins now to {)ut on jewels till she's i)ast fortj'. For 
instance, miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a child, 
a meie maker of samplers. 

Mrs H. And yet my niece thinks herself as much a woman, and is 
as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all. 

Re-enter Tony and Miss Neville, l. 1 e., coquetting in the back- 
ground. 

Hast. (r.). Your niece, is she "? And that young gentleman, a 
brother of yours, i should presume 1 

Mrs. H. (r.). My son, sir. They are contracted to each other. Ob- 
serve their little sports. They quarrel and make it up again ten times 
a day, as if they were man and wife already, (to them) Well, Tony, 
child, what soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this 
evening 1 

Tony (advancing, l. c.^. I have been sayhig no soft things, but that 
it's very hard to be followed about so. Ecod ! Ive not a place in the 
hou-c now that's left to myself but the stable. 

Mrs. H. Never mind him, Con, my dear. He's in another story be- 
hind your back. 

Miss N. (l. c). There's something generous in my cousin's manner. 
He falls out before faces to be forgiven in private, 

Tony. That's a d — d confounded — crack ! 

Mrs H. (l. c). For shame, Tony. You a man, and behave so ! 

ToNV (l.). If I'm a man, let me have my fortin'. Ecod! I'll not be 
m.M'le a foo] of no longer. 

?il 8. H. is this, ungrateful boy, all that I am to get for the pains I Iiave 
ta'.vcMi in your education 1 Did not I work tiiat waistcoat and those rui- 
15e> to make you look like a gentleman ? 

T'lNY. Ecod I I tell you I'll n >t i.ie made a fo'>1 of no longer. 

M 3. II. Wasn't it ail for vour good, viper 1 Wasn't it all for your 
go...(n 

Tony. I wi.sh you'd let me and my good alone then. Snubbing this 
way, when I'm in spirits. If I'm to have any good let it come of itself, 
not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so. . 



28 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEK. [aCT U. 

Mks. H. That's false ! I never see you when you're in spirits. No, 
Tony, you then go to ihe ale-house or kennel. Vm never to be delight- 
ed Nvith your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster. 

Tony. Ecod I nuiiiiuui, your own notes are the wildest of the two. 

Mrs. H. (goes to Hastings, r. c, and pretends to weep). Was ever 
the H^e ! But 1 see he wants to break my heart, 1 see he does ! i^Toxy 
winks at Hastings.) 

H vST. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a lit- 
tle. I'm certain [ can per-ua'e \\.m to his duty. 

Mrs. H. (l.). Well, L must rcLire. Come, Constance, ray love. You 
see, iMr. Has-tings, the wretcliedness of my situation ; was ever poor 
woman so plagued with a dear, sweet, pretty, i)rovoking, undutiful boy 1 
[Exeunt Mrs. Hardcastle and Miss Neville, l. 

Tony (o ). Don't mind her, let her cry. It's the comfort of her heart, 
T have seen her and sister cry over a book for an hour together, and 
they said tiiey liked the book the better the more it made them cry. 

Hast. Then you're no friend to the ladies, I find, ray pretty young 
gentleman 1 

Tony. That's as I find 'nra. 

Hast. Not to her of your mother's choosing, I dare answer 1 And 
yet she appears to be a pietty, well-terapered girl. 

Tony. That's because you don't know her as well as I. Ecod ! I 
know every inch about her ; and there's not a more bitter, cantancker- 
ous toad in ail Christendom. 

Hast, (aside). Pietty encourageraent this for a lover. 

Tony. I have seen her since t[ie height of that. Slie has as many 
tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt in the first day's breaking. 

Hast. To me she appears sensible and silent. 

Tony. Ay, before company. But when she's with her playmates 
she's as loud as a hog in a gate. 

Hast. Well, but you mast allow her a little beauty. Yes, you must 
allow her some beauty. 

Tony. Bau'lbox ! She's all a made-up thing, mun. Ah, could you 
but see Bet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. 
Ecod ! she has two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red 
as a pui[)it cushion. She would make two of she. 

Hast. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter bar- 
gain otFyour hands 1 

Tony. Anon 1 

Hast. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave 
you to happiness and your dear Betsy 1 

Tony. Ay, but where is there such a friend, for who would take her 7 

Hast. 1 am he. If you but assist me, I'll engage to whip her off to 
France, and you shall never hear more of her. 

Tony. Assist yowl Ecod I I will to the last drop of my blood. I'll 
clap a pair of horses to your chaise that shall trundle you off in a 
twinkling, and maybe get you part of her fortin' beside, in jewels, that 
you little dream of. 

Hast. My dear 'Squire, this looks like a lad of spirit. 

ToN-i. Come along then, and you shall see more of my spirit before 
you have done with me. [Exeunt, l. Tony singing. 

curtain. 



ACT III.] SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 29 

ACT III. 

SCENE I —Same as Scene I., Act 11. 

Enter Mr. Hakdcastle, r. 

Mu. H. (c). "What could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recom- 
mending his son as the niodestest young man in town 7 To me he ap- 
pears the most impudent piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. 
He has taken possession of the easy-chair by the fireside already. He 
took off his boots in the parlor, and desired me to see them taken care 
of. I'm desirous to know how his impudence affects my daughter. She 
will certainly be shocked at it. 

Enter Miss Hardcastle, in second dress, l. 

Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress as I bid you ; and 
yet, 1 believe, there was no great occasion. 

Miss H. (c). I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying your commands, 
that 1 lake care to obseive them without ever debating their propriety. 

Mr. H. And yet, Kate, 1 sometimes give you some cause, particu- 
larly when I recommended mv modest gentleman to you as a lover to- 
day. 

Miss H. You taught me to expect something extraordinary, and I 
find tlie original exceeds the description. 

Mr. H. I was never so surprised in my life ! He has quite con- 
founded all my faculties ! 

Miss H. 1 never saw anything like it; and a man of the world too. 

Mr H. Ay, he learned it all abroad. What a fool was I, to think a 
young man could learn modesty by travelling. He might as soon learn 
wit at a masquerade. 

Miss H. It seems all natural to him. 

Mr. H. a good deal assisted by bad company and a French dancing- 
mnster. 

Miss H. Sure you mistake, papa; a French dancing-master could 
never have taught him that timid look — that awkward address — that 
bashful manner 

Mr. H. Whose look? whose manner, child? 

Miss H. Mr Marlow's; his mauvaise honte, his timidity, struck me 
at the first sight. 

Mr. H. Then your first sight deceived you ; for I think him one of 
the most brazen first-sights that ever astonished my senses. 

Miss H. Sure, sir, you rally! 1 never saw any one so modest. 

Mr. H. And can you be serious / I never saw such a bouncing, 
swasgering -puppy since I was born. BuHv Dawson was but a fool to 
him.' 

Miss H. Surprising ! He met me with a resi)ectfal bow, a stammer- 
ing voice, and a look fixed on the ground. 

Mr. II. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a familiarity 
that froze me to dealh. 

Miss H. He treated me with diffidence and respect ; censured the 
manners of the age ; admired the prudence of girls that never laughed ; 
tired me with apologies for being tiresome; then left the room with a 
bow. and. Madam, I would not for all the world detain you. {7nimick' 
ing Mahlgw.) 

Me. H. He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before. Asked 



30 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT HI. 

twenty questions, and never waited for an answer. Interrupted my 
best remarks witli some silly pun ; and when I was talking of tlie Duke 
of Marlborough and my friend B;o )ks. lie aske^l if I liail not a good 
hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he a.'sked your father if he was a 
maker of punch ! 

Miss H. One of us must certainly be mistaken, 

Mk. H. In one thing, however, we are agreed — to rej 'ct him. 

Miss H. Yes ! But upon conditions. For if you sliould find him 
less impudent, and I more i)resuming ; if you find him more respectful, 
and i more importunate — I don't know — the man is well euougli for a 
man. Certain y he has a very passable complexion. 

Mr. H. If we should find him so— but that's impossible. The first 
ai)pearance has done my business ; I'm seldom deceived in that. 

Miss H. Then as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go to make 
further discoveries 1 

Mr. H. Agreed. But depend on't I'm in the right. 

Miss H. And depend on't I'm not much in the wrong. [Exeunt, l. 

Enter Tony, running in with a casket, k. 

Tony. Ecod ! I have got them. Here they are. My cousin Con's 
neclilaces, bobs and all. My mother shan't cheat the poor souls out of 
their fortin' neither. 0, my genus, is that you 1 

Enter Hastings, r. 

Hast. My dear friend, how have you managed with your mother 1 I 
hope you have amused her with pretending love for your cousin, and 
that you are willing to be reconciled at last. We shall be ready to set 
off in a short time. 

Tony. And here's something to bear your charges by the way. {giv- 
ing a casket) Your sweetheart's jewels. Keep them, and hang those, I 
say, that would rob you of one of them. 

Hast. But how have you procured them from your mother 1 

Tony. Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no fibs. I procured 
them by the rule of thumb. If I had not a key to every drawer in 
mother's bureau, how could I go to the ale-house so often as I do 1 An 
honest man maj'^ rob himself of his own at any time. 

Hast. Thousands do it every day. Bat to be plain with you, Miss 
l^eville is endeavoring to procure them from her aunt this very instant. 
If she succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at least of obtaining 
them. 

Tony. Well, keep them till you know how it will be. But I know 
how it will be well enough ; she'd as soon part with the only sound tooth 
in her head. 

Hast, But I dread the effects of her resentment, when she finds she 
has lost them. 

Tony. Never you mind her resentment, leave me to manage that. I 
don't value her resentment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds ! here 
they are ! Morrice — Prance ! {sits at a table near the flat.,) 

[Exit Hastings, r. 

Enter Mrs. Hardcastle and Miss Neville, r. 

Mrs. H. Indeed, Constance, you amaze me; such a girl as you want 
jewels 1 It will be time enough for jewels, my dear, twenty years 
hence, when your beauty begins to want repairs. 



^CT III.] SHE STOOl-S TO CONtiUBK. '^^ 

M,ss N. (c). But what will repair beauty at forty will certainly im- 

^''Tft -' H 'vXi'mM can admit of none. That natural blush is 

Mks. H. iuuib, iny t'^'" J-' T. ; , . pi,ii,i jewels are quite out at 

„ey„na a ^^^'^r^!; ^'^S tbe^ it if our' icquaintanc'e u,y Lady 

ISrci; ;r,»^ au^ M- Cnuup and the rest of then, carj,- then- jewels 

'rr/'i t w^:'^t';;i,sr.r^^^^^^^^^ 
-?T'i^';s.";^:vr'^aS;;;^!;e:^^s-s:"^^^ r ^ 

^^ve« V uwmtanf better sparklers. (.■«« Tost) Wljatdo you 
r'i'ik Ti";™; .re'^oes yourcoLin Con want any jewels, u, your 

eves, to set off her beauty ? 

Tony (ris^'nr/^. ThaLs as hereafter may be. 

r l^y!s-''^i:^SiSri^7s];i:^tii;^..y 

MuS. H. A P^^ce o Solomon at a puppet show. 

B^tllrf beIi::erca!;!Meadiirci- at the,u. They n.ay be n.issi„g 

1',:: x::^i^^^"'^^^^^°^^-^ -^ '° "^- "" 

""It H f^nnrt to ToNV I,.). You know, my dear, I'm only keepii.g 
tVm?o,yo^^^So,?f I'aytiley're gone, you'll bear me wtness, w.ll 

^■"toU'1%- H-fNever tear me. Ecod ! .'ll say I saw them taken out 
„.itl, n,y own eyes ^^^^^^ j,,,^ ^^ ^e per- 

,,rif^;f^f,{m;feUcs,and.^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

Mas. H (croma to c). ^o be P'^">^'^ J ,- „,,,,; j assure 

;.„r"Lost' r ouiri^'Zw /b^t r^ust haL patience wherever 
they are^^ ^^^ ^ 3,,3„o„ pretence to deny 

,„e''"l know Ih^v-r't .^iuible to be so slightly kept, and as you are 

'° MrrH '°Don''t brai;;^.ed. Constance. If they be lost I »-' '-'0,. 

not to be found, I'll take my oath on't j^^^ 

.,„?.t.ti^e,^;et rstXoUrorpItiir -/ee me, irow calm I 

■^■"m,.s N. Ay, people are .generally calm at the m.f^u,,es^^^ othe,..^ 

Mrs H. Now, I wonder a S'^' ^* .^^^ '' f!'^^ ^,^,1 ^^,^,,,. and, in the 

;;;:"r;'';r:ifaurrSeol^:,y1"^^^^^^^^^ 

■"tit-s'V.V.). I<'«te«'S--^S.'^rtheS to setoff a clear 

co^!:fe^L^'''utav'^x:;"i::h:;:^veiu^^^^ 

^'■^^;,:rN.'I^'^slike them of an things, you sh.,;t stn. Was ever 
anylhin:! so provoking, to mislay my """ £;j;!^i„'," „,bdc*st.e, n. 
t; uuipeiy ! ^ 7 ^ -n^n'r \L n fool If she gives you the 

J.:^:&:^'^<^'^^: ^;;'j^::if^e your own already. 1 



32 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEB. [aCT III. 

have stolen them out of her bureau and she does not know it. Fly to 
your spark — he'll tell you more of the matter. Leave me to manage 
her. 

Miss N. My dear cousin ! 

Tony. Vanish. She's here, and has missed them already. Zounds ! 
how she fidgets and spits about like a Catharine wlieel ! 

[Exit Miss Neville, l. 

Enter Mrs. Hardcastle, r., screaming. 

Mrs. H, Confusion ! thieves ! robbers ! We are cheated, plundered, 
broke open, undone! 

Tony (c). Wnat's the matter, what's the matter, mamma 1 I hope 
notliing has liappened to any of the good family ! 

Mrs H. We are robbed. My bureau has been broke open, the jewels 
taken out, and I'm undone. 

Tony. Oh, is that all? Ha! ha! ha! By the laws, I never saw it 
betier acted in my life. Ecod ! I thought you was ruined in earnest. 
Ha! ha! ha! 

Mrs. H Wliy, boy, I am ruined in earnest. My bureau has been 
broken open, and all taken away. 

Tony. Stick to that; ha! ha I ha! stick to that; I'll bear witness, 
you know ; call me to bear witness. 

Mrs. H. I tell you, Tony, by all that's precious, the jewels are gone, 
and I shall be ruined forever. 

Tony. Suie I know they are gone, and I'm to say so. 

Mrs. H. My dearest Tony, but hear me. They're gone, I say. 

Tony. By the laws, mamma, yon make nift for to laugh ; lia ! ha ! ha ! 
I know who took them well enough ; ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Mrs. H. Was there ever such a blockhead, that can't tell the differ- 
ence between jest and eainest ? I tell you I'm not in jest, booby. 

Tony. That's light, that's right ; you must be in a bitter passion, and 
then nobody will suspect either of us. I'll bear witness that they are 
gone. 

Mrs. H. Was there ever such a cross-grained brute, that won't hear 
me ] Can yon bear witness that you're no better than a fool 1 Was 
ever poor woman so beset with fools on the one hand, and thieves on 
the other ? 

Tony. T can bear witness to that. 

Mrs H. Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I'll turn you 
out of the room directly. My poor niece, what will become of her 1 
Do you laugh, you unfeeling biute, as if you enjoyed my distress % 

Tony. I can bear witness to that. 

Mrs, H. Do yon insult me, monster 1 I'll teach you to vex your 
uioLher, I will. Here ! thieves ! thieves ! thieves ! thieves ! 

[He runs off, l 1 e., she follows him. 

Enter Mi s Hardcastle and Maid, l. 

Miss H. (c). What an unaccountable creature is that brother of 
mine, to send them to the house as an inn ; ha ! ha ! I don't wonder 
at his impudence. 

Maid (c.). But what is more, madam, the young gentleman, as you 
])assed by in your present dress, asked me if you were the bar- maid. 
He mistook you for the bar-maid, madam. 

Miss H. Did he 1 Then as I live I'm resolved to keep up the delu- 



ACT III. ] SHE STQOPS TO COXQITER. 33 

sion. Tell me, Dolly, liow do you like my piesent dress 1 Don'f, you 
think 1 look someLliing like Ciieny in the Beau's Stratagem 1 

Maid, it's the dress, madam, that every lady wears in the country, 
but wlien she visits or receives company. 

Miss H. And are you sure he does not remember my face or person ] 

Maid. Certain of it 

Mif^s H. I vow I thouglit so; for though we spoke for some time 
together, j'et his fears were such that be never once looked up durincr 
the interview. 

Maid. But what do you hope for from keeping him in his mistake 1 

Miss H. In the first place, I shall be seen, and that is no small ad- 
vantage to a girl who brings her face to market. Then I shall perhaps 
make an acquaintance, and that's no small victory gained over one who 
never addresses any but the vilest of her sex. But my chief aim is to 
take luy gentleman off his guard, and, like aw invincible champion of 
romance, examine the giant's force before I offer to combat. 

Maid. But are you sure you can act your part, and disguise your 
voice so that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your 
person 1 

Miss H. Never fear me. I think I have got the true bar cant — " Did 
your honor call 1" — '* Attend the Lion there " — ' Pipes and tobacco for 
the Angel " — " The Lamb has been outrageous this half hour " 

Maid. It will do, madam. But he's here. [Bxit, l. 

Enter Mari.ow, l. 

Mar. What a bawling in every part of the house ! I have scarce a 
moment's repose. If I go to the best room, there I find my host and 
his story. If I fiy to the gallery, there we have my hostess with her 
courtesy down to the gcound. I have at last got a moment to myself, 
and now for recollection, {walks and muses.) 

Miss H. {following, him about). Did you call, sir ? did your honor 
call ? 

Mar. {musing). As for Miss Hardcastle, she's too grave and senti- 
mental for me 

Miss H. Did your honor call 1 {s7ie still places herself before him ; he 
turns aicay.) 

Mar. No, child, {musing) Besides, from the glimpse I had of her 
I think she squints. 

Miss H. I am sure, sir, I heard the bell ring. 

Mar. No, no. (musing) I have pleased my father, however, by com- 
ing down, and I'll to-morrow please myself by returning, {taking oat 
his tablets and perusing.) 

Miss H. Perhaps the other gentleman called, sir. 

Mar. No, no, I tell you. (looks full in her face) Yes, child, I think 
T did call. I wanted — I wanted — I vow, child, you are vastly hand- 
some. 

Mi^s II. 0. la, sir, you'll make one ashamed 

Mar. Never saw a more sprishtly, malicious eye. Yes, yes. my 
dear, I did call. Have you got any of your — a— what d'ye call it in the 
hou'^e ? 

Mrss H. No, sir, we have been out of that these ten days. 

Map.. One may call in this house. I find, to very little purpose. Siij)- 
pose I should call for a taste, just by way of trial, of the nectar of your 
lips; ])eihaps I might be disappointed in that too. 

Mss H. Nectar ! nectar! that's a liquor theres no call for in these 
parts. French, I suppose. We keep no French wines here, sir. 



3 J: SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT IH. 

Mar. Of true English gvou-th, I assure you. 

Miss H. Tlien it's odd I sliould not know it. We brew all sorts of 
wines in this liouse and I have lived here these eighteen yi ars. 

Mau. Eighteen years ! Why, one would think, child, you kejjt the 
bar before you were born. How old are you 1 

Miss H. 0, sir, I must not tell my age. They say women and music 
slxurd never be dated. 

Mar,. To guess at this distance, you can't be much above foity. {rij)- 
jyroachinff} Yet neaiei-, I don't think so much, {cqiproaching) By com- 
ing close to some wo:!i<^n tlipy look younger still ; but when we come 
very close indeed — iattemptiiig to kiss her.) 

Miss H. Pray, sir, keep your distance. One would think you wanted 
to know one's age as they do horses, by mark of mouth. 

Mar. I protest, child ; you use me extremely ill. If you keep me 
at this distance, how is it possible you and I can be ever acquainted ? 

Miss H. And who wants to be acquainted with you 1 I want no 
such acquaintance, not I. I'm sure you did not treat Miss Hardcastle 
in this obstropalous manner. I'll warrant me, before her you looked 
dashed, and kept bowing to the ground, and talked for all the worid 
as if you was befoie a justice of the peace. 

Mau [aside). Egad ! she has hit it, sure enough, {to Miss Hardcas- 
tle i In awe of her, child 1 Ha, ha, ha! A mere awkward, squinting 
thing ; no, no ! I find you don't know me. I laughed and rallied her 
a little ; but 1 was unwilling to be too severe. No, I could not be too 
severe, curse me ! 

Miss H. Oh ! then, sir, you are a favorite, I find among the ladies 1 

Mar. Yes, my dear, a great favorite; and yet hang me, I don't see 
what they find in me to follow. At the ladies' club in town, I am called 
their agreeable Rattle. Rattle, child, is not my real name, but one I in 
known by. My name is Jenkins. Mr. Jenkins, my dear, at your ser- 
vice, (offcrinr/ to salute her. ) 

Miss II. Held, sir ! you were Introducing me to your club, not to 
yourself. And you're so great a favorite there, you sayl 

Mar. Yes, my dear. There's Mrs. Mantrap, Lady Betty Blackleg, 
the Countess of Cog, Mrs. Longhorns, old Miss Biddy Buckskin, and 
your humble servant, keep up the spirit of the place. 

Mis- H. Then it's a very merry place, I suppose ' 

Mar. Yes, as merry as cards, suppers, wine, and old women can make 
us. 

Miss H. And their agreeable Rattle! Ha, ha, hal 

Mar. {aside). Egad! 1 don't quite like this chit. She looks know- 
ing methinks. (aloud ) You laugh, child ! 

Mi s H. I can't but laugh, to think what time they all have for mind- 
ing their work or their family. 

Mar. (aside'i. All's well, she don't laugh at me. (to Miss Hardcas- 
tle) Do you ever work, child 1 

.Miss H. Ay, sure. There's not a screen or quilt in the whole bouse 
but what can bear witness of that. 

Mar. Od-so ! Then you must show me your embroidery. I em- 
broider and draw patterns myself a little. If you want a judge of your 
work you must apply to me. {seizing her hand.) 

Miss H. Ay, but the colors don't look well by candle-light. You 
shall see all in the morning, {struggling.) 

M.\R And why not now, my angeH Pshaw! the landlord hei-el 
My good luck ! [Exit, l. 



IV.] SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER, 35 



Enter Mr. Hardcastle, r., icho stands in sjnyrise* 

Mr. H So, madam! so I find this is j-oiir modest lover. This is 
your humble admirer, that kept his eyes fixed on the ground, and only 
adored at humble distance. Kate, Kate, art thou not ashamed to de- 
ceive youi- father so ] 

Mis H. Never trust me, dear papa, but lie's still the moilest man I 
first, too . Ii'mi for; you'll be convince! of it as well as I. 

Mil. II liy the hand of my l)o ly, I believe his impudence is infec- 
tious ! Didn't I see hini seize your hand I Didn't I see him haul you 
about like a milk-maid 1 and now you talk of his respect and his mod- 
esty, forsooth ! 

Miss H. But if I shortly convince you of his modest}', that he has 
only the faults that will pass off with time, and the virtues that will im- 
prove with age, I hope you'll forgive him. 

Mr. H I tell you 1 11 not be convinced. I am convinced. He has 
scarcely been three hours in the house, and he has already encroached, 
on all my prerogative.^. 

Miss H. Sir, L ask but this night to convince you. 

Ma. H. You shall not have half the time, for I have thoughts of turn- 
ing him out this very hour. 

Miss H Give me that hour then, and I hope to satisfy you. 

Mr II. Well, an hour let it be then. But I'D have no trifling with 
your father. All fair and open, do you mind me? 

Miss H. I hoi)e, sir. you have ever found that I considered your com- 
mands as my pride ; for your kindness is such, that my duty as yet has 
been inclination '? 

[Exeunt Mu.- Hardcastle and Miss Hardcastle, l. 



ACT IV. 

SCENE I.— Same as Scene I., Act II. 
Enter 'Mk'R-Lovf,folloiDed hy a Servant, r. 

Mar. 1 wonder what Hastings could mean b}' sending me so valua- 
ble a thing as a casket to keep for him, when he laiows the only place 
I luive is the seat of a i)ost-coach at an inn door. Have you deposited 
the casket with the landlady, as 1 ordered you] Have you put it into 
hei- own hands ? 

Serv. (l.). Yes, your lionor. 
♦Maii. She said she'd keep it safe, did she ? 

Serv. Yes, she said she'd keep it safe enough; she asked me how I 
came by it ? and she said she had a great mind to make me give an 
account of myself. [Exit Servant, r. 

Mar. (c.j. Ha, lia, ha! They're safe, however. What an unac- 
countable set of beings have we got amourist! This little bar-maid 
though runs in my head most strangely, and drives out the absurdities 
of all the rest of the family ; she's mine, she must be mine, or I'm 
greatly mistaken. 

* The remaiudei of this Act was omitted at Wallack's Theatre. 



36 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT IV. 



Enter Hastings, l. 

Hart. Cl.). Marlow here, and in spirits too ! 

]\Iar Give me joy, George! Crown nie ! shadow me with lanrels ! 
Well, George, after all, we modest fellows don't want for success among 
the women. 

Hast. Some women, you mean. But what success lias your honor's 
modesty been crowned with now, that it grows so insolent upon us? 

Mar. (c). Didn't you see the tempting, brisk, lively little thing that 
runs about the house with a bunch of keys to its girdle ? 

Hast. Well, and what then ^ 

Mar. She's mine, you rogue, you ! Such fire, such motion, such 
eyes, such lips — but egad! she would not let me kiss them though. 

Hast. But are you sure, so very sure of her ? 

Mar. Why, man, she talked of showing me her work above stairs, 
and I'm to approve the pattern. 

Hast. But how can you, Charles, go about to rob a woman of hei- 
honor 1 

Mar. Pshaw ! Pshaw 1 We all know the honor of the bar-maid of 
an inn. I don't intend to rob her, take my word for it; there's noth- 
ing in the house I shan't honestly pay for. 

Hast. I believe the girl has virtue. 

Mar. And if she has, I should be the last man in the world that 
would attempt to corrupt it. 

Hast. You have taken care, I hope, of the casket I sent you to lock 
npV Is it in safety 7 

Mar. Yes, yes. It's safe enough. I have taken care of it. But how 
could you think the seat of a post-coach at an inn door a place of 
safety % Ah, numskull ! I have taken better precautions for you than 
you did for yourself — I have 

HAsr. What? 

Mar. I have sent it to the landlady to keep for you. 

Hast. To the landlady 1 

Mar. The landlady. 

Hast. You did 1 

M.\R. I did. She's to be answerable for its forthcoming, yon know. 

Hast. Yes, she'll bring it forth, with a witne.ss. 

Mar. Wasn't I right; I believe you'll allow that I acted prudently 
upon this occa ion 1 

Hast, (aside). He must not see my uneasiness. 

Mar You seem a little disconcerted though, methinks. Sure noth- 
ing has happened ? 

Hast. No, nothing. Never was in better spirits in all my life And 
so you left it with the landlady, who, no doubt, very readily undertook 
the charge 1 

Mar. Rather too readily. For she not only kept the casket, but 
through her great precaution, was going to keep the messenger too. 
{lavghinc/) Ha, ha, ha ! 

Hast, (laughing). Ha, ha, ha ! They're safe, however. 

Mar. As a suinea in a miser's purse. 

Hast. (asicUX So now all hopes of fortune are at an eml, and we 
must set off without it. (to MarlowM Well, Charles, I'll leave you to 
your meditations on the pretty l)ai--maid, and — UmgJiing) ha, ha, ha! 
if you are as successfnl for yourself as you have been for me 

Mar. What then % 



ACT IV. J SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 37 

Hast. Why, then I wish .vou joy with all my hoart 

[Exit Hasttkgs, l. Marlow sits in the background. 

Enter Hardcastle, l. 

Mr. H. T no longer know my own house. It's turned all topsy-turvy. 
His servants have got drunk already. I'll bear it no longer — and yet, 
from my respect for his father, I'll be calm, [to jMARLOw)"Mr. Marlow, 
your servant, {bowing low) I'm your very humble servant. [Uikes a 
chair and sits.) 

Mar. Sir, your humble servant, (aside) What's to be the wonder 
now 1 

Mr. H. I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sir, that no man alive ought 
to be more welcome than your father's son, sir ? I hope you think ^o 1 

Mar. I do, from my soul, sir. 1 don't want much entreaty. I gener- 
ally make my father's son welcome wherever he goes. 

Mr. H. (rises). I believe you do, from my soul, sir. But thonoh I 
say nothing to your own conduct, that of your servants is insuffcirable. 
Their manner of drinking is setting a very bad example in this house, I 
assure you. 

Mar. I protest, my very good sir, that's no fault of mine; if they 
don't drink as they ought they are to blan)e. 1 ordered them not to 
spare the cellar. I did I assure you. (calling off, l.) Here, let one of 
my servants come up. (to Hardcastle) My i)Ositive directions were, 
that as I did not drink myself, they should make up for m}' deficiencies 
below. 

Mr. H. Then they have your orders for what they do ! I'm satis- 
fied ! 

Mar. They had, I assure you. You shall hear from one of them- 
selves. 

Enter Servant, drunk, l. 

You, Jeremy, come forward, sirrah ! what were my orders ? Were you 
not told to drink freely, and call for what you thought fit, for the good 
of the house 1 

Mr. H {aside). I begin to lose my patience. 

Serv. (l.). Please your honor, liberty and Fleet Street for ever ! 
Tl)ough I am but a servant. I ni as good as another man. I'll drink for 
no man before supper, sir d — e ! Good liquor will sit upon a good sup- 
per, but a good supper will not sit upon — hiccup — upon my conscience, 
sir. [Exit, l. 

Mar. [rises and comes forward). You see, my old friend, the fellow 
is as drunk as he possibly can be ; I don't know what youd have moie, 
unless you'd have the poor devil soused in a beer-barrel. 

Mr. H. (aside). Zounds ! He'll drive me distracted if I contain my- 
self any longer, [aloud) Mr. Marlow, sir, I have submitted to your in- 
solence for more than four hours, and I see no likelihood of its coming 
to an end I'm now resolved to be master here, sir, and I desire that 
you and your drunken pack may leave my house directly. 

Mar. Leave your house! Sure you jest, my good friend 1 What I 
whet) I'm doing what I can to please you ] 

Mr. H. I tell you, sir, you don't please me ; so I desire you'll leave 
my house. 

Mar. (r. c). Sure you cannot be serious"? At this time of night, 
and such a night! You only mean to banter me 1 

Mr. H. (r.). I tell you, sir, I am serious ; and now that my passions 



33 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT IV. 

are roused, I say thiR house is mine, sir, this house is mine, and I com- 
mand you to leave it directly. 

Mah. I sliau't stir a step, I assure you. {in a serious tone) This your 
house, fellow y it's my house. This is my liouse. Mine while I choose 
to stay. What right have you to bid me leave this house, sir ] I never 
met with such impudence, curse me, never in my wliole life before. 

Mil. II. Nor I, confound me if ever I did. To come to ray house to 
call for what he likes, to turn me out of my own chair, to insult the 
family, to order his servants to get drunk, and then to tell me " this 
house is mine, sir " By all that's impudent, it makes me laush. Ha, 
ha, lia ! Pray, sir, {bantering) as you take the house, what think you 
of taking the rest of the furniture'? There's a pair of silver candle- 
sticks, and there are a set of prints too. What think you of The Rake's 
Progiess for your own apartment "? 

m'^vr. Bring me your bill, I say ; and I'll leave you and your infer- 
nal house directly. 

Mr. H.' Then there's a mahogany table, that you may see your face 
in. 

Mak. My bill, I say. 

Mr. H. 1 had forgot the great chair, for your own particular slum- 
bers, after a hearty meal. 

Mar Zounds ! bring me my bill, I say, and let's hear no more on't. 

Mr. H. Young man, young man, from your father's letter to me I 
was taught to expect a well-bred, modest man, as a visitor here, but 
now I find him no better than a coxcomb and a bully ; but he will be 
down here presently, and shall hear more of it. [Exit. l. 

Mar How's this! Sure I've not mistaken the house? Everything 
looks like an inn. The servants cry, Coming ; the attendance is awk- 
ward ; the bar-maid too to attend us. But she's here, and will further 
inform me. Whither so fast, child? A word with you. 

Enter Miss Hardcastle, l. 

■ Miss H. Let it be short then. I'm in a hurry. 

Mar. (c). Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you, and 
what may your business in this house be ] 

Miss H, A relation of the family, sir. 

Mar. What ! A poor relation ? 

Miss H. Yes, sir. A poor re'ation appointed to keep the keys, and 
to see that the guests want nothing in my power to give them. 

Mar. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this inn 1 

Miss H. Inn! law ! What brought that in your head 1 One of 
the best families in the country keep an inn! {laughing) Ha, ha, ha! 
old Mr. Hardcastle's house an iim ! 

Mar. Mr. Hardcastle's house! Is this house Mr. Hardcastle's house, 
child ] 

Miss H. Ay, sure. Whose else should it be? 

Mar. So then all's out. and I have been d y imposed on. 0, con- 
found my stupid head ! I shall be laughed at over the whole town. I 
shall be "stuck up in caricatures in all the i)rint shops. The Dullissimo 
Maccaroni ! To mistake this Uouse of all others for an inn, and my 
father's old friend for an inn-keeper. What a swaggering puppy must 
he take me for \ What a silly i)uppy do I find myself! There again, 
may I be hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the bar-maid. 

Miss H. Dear me! Dear me ! I'm sure there's nothing in my be- 
havior to p\it me upon a level with one of that stamp. 

Mar. Nothing, my dear, nothing. But I was in for a list of blun- 



ACT IV. ] SHE STOOrS TO CONQUER. 39 

d-^.-s, ami couM not help making you a subscriber. My stupidity saw 
cv<'iy liiiii^ the wrong way. I mistook your assiduity for assurance, 
an I yoiii- simplicity for allurement. But it's over. This house I no 
ii)() -o show my face in. 

Miss K. I hoi)e, sir, I have done nothing to disoblige you? I'm 
sure 1 should be sorry to aflfVont any gentleman who has1)eeii so polite, 
and said so many civil things to me. I ni sure I should be sorry 
— ; pntendinj to cry) if lie left the family upon my acctniiit. I'm sure 
J should be soi i y jieople said anything amias since 1 have no fortune 
bur, my character. 

IM.vii {aside >. By Heaven, she weeps ! This is the first mark of len- 
diMiiess 1 evei- had from a modest woman, and it toucli'^s me 

Miss H. But 1 m sure my family is as good as Miss Hardcastle's, and 
lliough I'm i)oor, that's no great misfortune to a contpnted mind, and 
until this moment I never thought it was bad to want fortune. 

Mar. And why now, my pi-etty simi)licity ? 

Miss II. Because it puis me at a distance from one, that if I had a 
thi'usand p(nnid I would give it all to. 

Mak. {aside). This simplicity bewitches me so that if I slay I'm un- 
dosie. I must, make one bold effort and leave Ikm-. {a:. >ad ) Your par- 
tiality in my favor, my dea;-, touches me most sensibly : ami were I to 
live for myself alone, I could easily Sx my ch .ic;'. But to be plain 
with you, the difference of our biith, foi tune, and ediioaiion make an 
honoiable connection impossible ; and I can never haiito.- a thought of 
seducing simi)Iicity, that trusted in my honor ; or bringing ruin upon 
one whose oidy fault was being too lovely. [Exit, r. 

Miss H. Generous man ! I never knew half his merit till now. He 
shall not go if I have power or art to detain him. I'll slill preserve the 
character in which I stoo])ed to conquer, but will undeceive my papa, 
who, perhaps, may laugh him out of his resolution. [Exit, l. 

Bute?' ToxY and Miss Neville, r. 

Tony. Ay, you may steal for yourselves the next time ; I have done 
my duty. She has got the jewels again, that's a sure thing ; but she 
believes it was all a mistake of the servants. 

Miss N. But my dear cousin, sure you won't forsake us in this dis- 
tress y If she in the least suspects that I am going off, I shall certainly 
be locked up, or sent toni)'- aunt Pedigree's, which is ten times worse. 

Tony. To be sure, aunts of all kind are d — d bad things. But what 
can I do 1 I have got you a pair of horses that will fly like whistle- 
jacket, and I'm sure you can't say but I have courted you nicely before 
her face. Here she comes, we must court a little more, for fear she 
should suspect us. {they retire up, sit, and seem to fondle) 

Enter Mrs. Hakdcastle, l. 

Mrs. H. (r.). Well, I was greatly fluttered, to be sure. Butmy son 
tells me it was all a mistake of the servants. I shan't be easy, how- 
ever, till they are fairly married, and then let her keep her own fortune. 
{sees them) But what do 1 see ! Fondling together, as I'm alive ! I 
never saw Tony so sprightly before. Ah, have I caught you, my pretty 
doves ! What billing, exchanging stolen glances, and broken murmurs, 
ah ! {they rise and come forward.) 

Tony. As for murmurs, mother, we grumble a little now and then to 
be sure. But there's no love lost between us. 



40 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT IV. 

Mrs. H. a mere sprinkling, Tonj', upon the flame only to make it 
burn brighter. 

Miss N. Cousin Tony promises to give us more of his company at 
home. Indeed, he shan't leave us any more. It won't leave us, cousin 
Tony, will it 1 

Tony. O, it's a pretty creature. ^No, I'd sooner leave my horse in a 
pond, tlian leave you when you smile upon one so. Your laugh makes 
you so becoming. 

Miss N. Agreeable cousin ! who can help admiring that natural 
humor, thaL pleasant, broad, red, thoughtless — ( patting his cheek) Ah, 
it's a bold face. 

Mrs. H. Pretty innocence ! 

Tony. I'm sure I always loved cousin Con's hazle eyes, and her 
pretty long fingers, tliat she twists this way and that over the haspi- 
cholls, like a parcel of bobbins. 

Mrs. H. Ah, he would charm the bird from the tree. 1 never was 
so happy before. My boy takes after his father, poor Mr, Lumpkin, 
exactly. The jewels, my dear Con, shall be yours incontinently. You 
shall have them. Isn't he a sweet boy, my dear? You shall be mar- 
ried to-morrow, and we'll put off the rest of his education, like Dr. 
Drowsey's sermons, till a fitter opportunity. 

Enter Dig gory, r. 

Dig. Where's the 'Squire 1 I have got a letter for your worship. 

Tony. Give it to my mamma. She reads all my letters first. 

Dig. I had orders to deliver it into your own hands. 

ToxY. Who does it come from 1 

Dig. Your worship mun ask that of the letter itself. [Exit, R. 

Tony. I could wish to know, though, {turning the letter and gazing 
on it. ) 

Miss N. [aside). Undone undone ! A letter to him from Hastings. 
I know the hand. If my aunt sees it, we are ruined for ever. I'll keep 
her employed a little if I can. {to Mrs. Hakdcastle) But I liave not 
told you, madam, of my cousin's smart answer just now to Mr. Marlow. 
We so laughed. You must know, ma'am — this way a little, for he 
must not hear us. {they sit and confer in the hackground ) 

Tony {in the c. of the fore-ground, still gazing). A d — d cramji piece 
of penmanship as ever I saw in my life. I can read your print-hand 
very well. But here there are such handles, and shanks, and dashes, 
that one can scarce tell the head from tail. " To Anthony Lumpkin, 
Esq." It's very odd, I can read the oiitside of my letteis, where my 
own name is, well enough ; but when 1 come to open it, it's all — buzz. 
That's hard, very hard ; for the inside of the letter is always the cream 
of the correspondence. 

Mrs. H. [laughing). Ha, ha, ha! Very well, very well. And so my 
son was iuo hard for the philosopher 1 

Miss N. Yes, madam ; but you must hear the rest, madam. A little 
more this way, or he may hear us. You'll hear how he puzzled him 
ngain. 

Mrs. H He seems strangely puzzled now himself, methinks. 

Tt)NY {still gazing). A d — d up-and-down hand, as if it was disguised 
in liquor, [reading) " Dear sir." Ay, that's that. Then there's an M, 
and a T, and an S. but whether the next be an izzard or an R, confound 
me, I cannot tell, {thei/ rise and come foricard ) 

Mks. H. (r. c.).« What's that, my dear 1 Can I give you any assis- 
tance 1 



ACT IV.] SHE STOOrS TO COXQUEE. 41 

Miss N. {hetioeen them). Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads 
a cramp hand better than I. {tiritcJiing the letter from her) Do you 
know who it is from 1 

Tony. Can't tell, except IVom Dick Ginger, tlie feeder. 

Miss N Ay, so it is. [jJretendirtf/ to read) " Dear 'Squire. Hoping 
that you're in health, as 1 am at this i)resent. Tlie gentlemen of the 
Sliake-bag club has cut the gentlemeir of the Goose-green quite out of 
tVatlier. The odds — nm — osld hattle — nm — long fighting — um.' Heie, 
here! it's all about ct)cks, and fifjhtiug ; it's of no consequence — here, 
put It up, nut it up. {thrm^ting the crumpled letter upon him.) 

Tony. But I tell you. Miss, it's of all the consequence in the world. 
r would not lose tiie rest of it for a guinea! Here, mother, do you 
make it out. Of no' consequence ! {(jiving Mrs. Haudcastle tJte let- 
ter \ 

Mrs H. How's this ? (reads) '• Dear Squire, I am now waiting for 
Miss Neville, with a post-chaise and pair, at the boctom of the gar- 
den, but I find my horses yet unable to perform their journey. (Tony 
goes to the background and sits) I expect you'll assist us with a i>air 
of fresh horses, as you promised. Dispatch is iiecessary, as the hag 
(ay, the hag), your mother, will otherwise suspect us. Yours, Hast- 
ings." Grant me patience 1 I shall run distracted ! My rage chokes 
me ! 

Miss N. (c.) I hope, madam, you'll suspend your resentment for a 
few moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister de- 
sign, that belongs to another. 

Mrs. H. {courtesying very loic, c). Fine spoken, madam; you are 
most miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the very pink of 
courtesy and circumspection, madam, [turns to Tony, changing her 
tone) And you, you great ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense enough 
to keep your mouth shut — were you too joined against me 1 But I'll 
defeat ail your plots in a moment. As for you, madam, since you have 
got a pair of fresh horses ready, it would be cruel to disap])oint them. 
So, if you please, instead of running away with your si)ark, i)repare, 
this very moment to run off with me. Your old aunt Pedigree will 
keep you secure, I'll warrant me. You too, sir, may mount your horse, 
and guard us upon the way. Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory ! I'll show 
you that I wish you better than you do yourselves, {Exit, r. 

Mi>s N. So, now I'm completely ruined. 

To.vY [risps and advances) Ay, that's a sure thing. 

Mi>s N. What better could be expected from being connected with 
such a stupid fool, and after all the nods and signs I made him 1 

Tony. By the laws. Miss, it was your own cleverness, and not my 
stupidity, that did your business. You were so nice and so busy with 
vour Shake-bags, and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never be 



making believe. 



Enter Hastings, r. 



Hast. So, sir, I find by ray servant, that you have shown my letter, 
and betrayed us. Was this well done, young gentleman 1 

Tony. Here's another. Ask Miss there who betrayed you. Ecod! 
it was her doing, not mine. 

Enter Marlow, l. 

Mar. So, I have been finely used here among you. Rendered con- 
temptible, driven into ill-manners, despised, insulted, laughed at. 



42 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER [aCT TV. 

Toxv. Here's Liuother. We shall have old Bedlam broke loose pres- 
cniiv. 

MiS3 N. And there, sir, is the geutleman, to whom we all owe every 
<)"'-lic(aLion. 

Mar. What can 1 say to Iiitn, a mere booby, an idiot, whose ignor- 
ance and age are a protection. 

Hast. A poor contemptib.e booby, that would but disgrace correc- 
tion. 

Miss N. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himself merry 
^vith all our embarrassments. 

Hast. An insensible cub ! 

Mar. Replete with tricks and mischief. 

Tony. Baw ! d e, hut I'll fight you both one after the other — with 

baskets. 

Mar. As for liim, he's below resentment. But your conduct, Mr. 
Hastings, requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet 
would not undeceive me. 

Hast. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a time 
for explanations 1 It is not friendly, Mr. Marlow. 

Mar But sir 

Mres N Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake till it was too 
late to undeceive you. Be pacified 

Enter Diggory, l 

Dig. My mistress desires you'll get ready immediately, madam. The 
horses are putting to. Your hat and things are in the next room. We 
are to go thirty mile before morning. [Exit, l. 

Miss N. Well, well ; I'll come presently. 0, Mr. Marlow, if you 
knew wh.at a scene of constraint and ill-nature lies before me. I'm sure 
it would convert your resentment into pity. 

Mar. 1 ni .'^o distracted with a variety of passions that I don't know 
what I do. Forgive me, madam. George, forgive me. You know my 
hasty temper, and should not exasperate it. 

Hast. The torture of my situation is my only excuse. 

Miss N. Well, my dear Hastings, if you have that esteem for me that 
I think, that I am sure you have, your constancy for three years will 
but increase the happiness of our furure connection. If 

Mrs. H. (zcitJiin) Miss Neville, Constance! why, Constance, I say I 

Miss N. I'm coming. Well, constancy. Remember, constancy is the 
■word. [Exit, l. 

j\Iar. {to ToxyV You see now, young gentleman, the effects of your 
folly. What might be amusement to you is here disappointment, and 
even distress. 

Tony {from a reverie). Ecod, I have hit it. It's here. Your hands. 
Yours, and yours, my poor Sulky. My boots there, ho ! Meet me two 
hours hence at the bottom of the garden, and if you don t find Tony 
Lumpkin a more good-natured fellow than you thought for, I'll give 
you leave to take my best horse, and Bet Bouncer into the bargain. 

[Exeunt, Tony singing merrily, b. 



ACT v.] SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEK. 43 

ACT V. 

SCENE l.—Same as Act II., Scene L 
Enter Sir Charles Marlow and Mr. Hardcastle, r. 

Mr. H. [laiigMngy Ha, ha, ha ! The peremptory tone in wLicli lie 
sent forth his sublime commands ! 

Sir Charles. And the reserve with which I suppose he treated all 
your advances ! 

Mr. H. And yet he might have seen something in me above a co)n- 
mon inn-kee{)er, too. 

Sir C. Yes, Dick, but he mistook you for an uncommon inn-keeper, 
lia, ha, lia ! 

Mr. H. Well, I'm in too good spirits to think of anything but joy. 
Yes, my dear friend, this union of our families will make our personal 
friendship hereditary ; and though my daughter's fortune is but 
small 

Sir C. Why, Dick, will you talk of fortune tome? My son is pos- 
sessed of more than a competence aheady, and can want nothing but a 
good and virtuous girl to share bis ha[)piness and increase it. If they 
like each other, as you say tbey do • 

Mr. H. If, man ! I tell you they do hke each other. My daughter 
as good as told me so. 

Sir C. But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know 7 

Mil. H. I saw him grasp lier hand in the warmest manner myself ; 
and here he comes to put you out of your " ifs," I warrant you. 

Enter Marlow, l. 

Mar. I come, sir, once more, to ask pardon for my strange conduct. 
I can scarce reflect on my insolence without confusion. 

jNIr. H. Tut, boy, a trifle. You take it too gravely. An hour or 
two's laughing with my daughter w\\\ set all to rights again. She'll 
never like you the worse for it. 

MAii. Sir. i shall be always ])roud of her approbation. 

Mr. H. Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow ; if I am not 
deceived, you have something more than appiobation thereabouts. You 
take me y 

M.\i{. Really, sir, I have not that happiness. 

Mr H. Come, boy, I'm an old fellow, and know what's what, as well 
as you ti)at are younger. I know what has passed between you ; but 
mum. 

Mar. Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us but the most profound 
respect on my side, and the most distant reseive on hers. You don't 
think, sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the rest of the 
family 1. 

Mr H. Impudence! No, I don't say that. Not quite imi)udence. 
Though girls like to be played with, and rumpled too sometimes. But 
she has told no tales, I assure you. 

Mar. May I die, sir. if I ever 

Mr. H. I tell you, she don't dislike you; and as I'm siu-e you like 

her 

Mau. But why won't you hear mel By all that's just and true, I 
never gave Miss Hardca'^stle the slightest mark of my attachment, or 



4^ i'^iiE yroops to conquee. [act v. 

ev^eii the most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one 
interview, and that was formal, modest, and uninteresting. 

Mk. H. (aside). This fellow'.s formal, modest impudence is beyond 
bearins. 

Sir C. And you never grasped her hand, or made any protestations 1 

M\R As Heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to your 
commands. 1 saw the lady witiiout emotion, and })arted without reluc- 
tance. I hope you'll exact no further proofs of my duty, nor prevent 
me Irom leaving a house in which I suffer so many mortifications. 

[Exit, L. 

Sir C. I'm astonished at the air of sincerity with which he parted. 

Mr H. And I'm astonished at the deliberate intrepidity of his assur- 
ance. 

Sir C. I dare pledge my life and honor upon his truth. 

Mr. H. Here comes my daughter, and I would stake my happiness 
upon her veracity. 

Enter Miss Hardcastle, r. 

Kate, come hither, child. Answer us sincerely, and without reserve ; 
has Mr. Marlow made you any professions of love and affection ? 

Miss H. The question is very abrupt, sir ! But since you require 
unreserved sincerity, I think he has. 

Mr. H. \to Sir Charles). You see! 

Sir C. And pray, madam, have you and ray son had more than one 
interview ?- 

Miss H. Yes, sir, several. 

Mr. H. {to Sir Charles). You see I 

Silt C. But did he profess any attachment 1 

Miss H. A lasting one. 

Siu C. Did he talk of love ^ 

Miss H. Much, sir! 

Sir C. Amazing ! And all this formally'? 

Miss H. Formally. 

•Mi;. H. Now, my friend, I hope you are satisfied. 

Sir C. (l. c). And how did he behave, madam 1 

Miss H. (c ). As most professed admirers do. Said some civil things 
of my face, talked much of his want of merit, and tlie greatness of 
mine; mentioned his heart, gave a short tragedy speech, and ended 
with pretended rapture 

Sir C. Now, I'm perfectly convinced, indeed. I know his conversa- 
tion among women to be modest and submissive. This forward, cant- 
ing, ranting manner by no means describes him, and I'm confident he 
never sat for the picture. 

Miss H. Then what, sir, if I should convince you to your face of my 
sincerity. 1 If you and my papa, in about half an hour, will follow my 
directions, you shall hear him declare his i)assion to me in person. 

Sir C Agreed. And if I find him wliat you describe, all my happi- 
ness in him must have an end. 

[Exeunt Sir Charles ^Marlow. and Mr. Hardcastle, r. 

Miss H. And if you don't find him what I describe, I fear my hnp})i- 
ness must never have a beginning. [Exit, l. 

SCENE II. — Garden and small parh in rear of Mr. Hardcastle"s 
mansion, l. c. and l., treeb and ornamental sliriihhcry. On r. 
c. and 2 B , a tree, looking rudelij like a man icith arm extended, 
holding a pistol. 

Enter Hastings, l. 



ACT v.] SHE STOOrS TO CONQUEIt. 45 

Hast. What an idiot am I, to wait here for a fellow who prohobly 
takes a delight in mortifying? me 1 He never intended to be jjiuiclual, 
and I'll wait no longer. What do I see 1 It is he, and perhaps with 
news of my Constance ! 

Enter Tony, hooted and spattered icith dirt, r. 

My honest 'Squire, I now find you a man of your word. This looks like 
friendship. 

Tony. Ay, I'm your friend, and the best friend you hare in the world, 
if you knew but all. This riding by night, by-the-bye, is cursedly tire- 
some. It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage-coach. 

Hast. Weil, but where have you left the ladies 1 1 die with impa- 
tience, 

Tony. Left them 7 Why, where should I leave them, but where I 
found thein 1 

Hast. This is a riddle. 

Tony. Riddle me this then. What's that goes.round the house, and 
round the house, and never touches the house 1 

Hast. I'm still astray. 

Tony. Why, that's it, mun I have led them astray. By jin^o, there's 
not a pond or slough within five miles of the place but they can tell the 
taste of. 

Hast. Ha, ha, ha! I understand; you took them in a round, while 
they supposed themselves going forward. And so you have at last 
brought them home again. 

Tony. You shall hear. I first took them down Feather-bed-lane, 
where we stuck fast in the mud. I then rattled them crack over the 
stones of Ui)-and-down-Hill — I then introuuced them to the gibbet on 
Crackskull Common, and from that, with a circumbendibus, I fairly 
lodiied tliem in the horse-pond at the bottom of the garden. 

Hast. But no accident, I hope 1 

Tony. No, no! only mother is confoundedly frightened. She thinks 
herself forty miles off. She's sick of the journey, and the cattle can 
scarce crawl. So if your own horses be ready, you may whip off with 
cousin, and I'll be bound that no soul here can budge an incii to fol- 
low you. 

Hast. My dear friend, how can I be grateful 1 

Tony. Ay, now it's dear friend, noble 'Squire. Just now it was all 
idiot, cub, and run me through the body. I) — n your way of fighting. I 
say. After we take a knock in this part of the country, we kiss and he 
friends. But if you had run me through the body, then I should be 
dead, and you might go kiss the hangman. 

Hast. The rebuke is just. But I must hasten to relieve Miss Neville ; 
if you keep the old lady employed, I promise to take care of the young 
one. [Exit, i:. 

Tony. Never fear me. Here she comes. Vanish. She's got from 
the pond, and draggled up to the waist like a merniaid. 

Enter Mrs. Hardcastle, l. u. e Starjc dark. 

Mrs. H. 0, Tony, I'm killed. Shook, battered to death. I shall 
never survive it. That last jolt has done my business. 

Tony. Alack, mamma, it "was all your own fault. You would be for 
running away by night, without knowing one inch of the way. 

Mrs. H. I wish we were at home again. I never met so many ficci- 
dents in so short a journey. Drenched in the mud, overturned in a 



46 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT V. 

ditch, stuck fast in a slcugli, jolted to a jelly, and at last to lose our 
wa}'. Whereabouts do you think we are, Tony 1 

i'oNT. By my guess, we should be upon Heavytree Heath, about 
forty miles from home. 

Mrs H. lud ! lud ! the most notorious spot in all the country. 
We only want a robbery to make a complete night on't. 

ToxY. Don't be afraid, mannua, don't be afraid ! two of the five that 
kept here are hanged, and the other three may not find us. Don't be 
afraid. Is that a man that's galloping behind us 1 No ; it's only a 
tree. Don't be afraid. 

Mrs. H. The fright will certainly kill me. 

Tony. Do you see anything lilie a black hat moving behind the 
thicket? 

Mrs. H. 0, death! 

Tony. No : it's only a cow. Don't be afraid, mother ; don't be 
afraid. 

Mrs. H. As I'm alive, Tony, I see a man coming towards us. Ah ! 
I'm sure on't. If he perceives us, we are undone. 

Tony {aside). Father-in-law. by all that's unlucky, come to take one 
of his night walks, {to Mrs. H.vi.dcastle Ah, it's a highwayman, with 
pistols as long as my arm. A d — d ill-looking fellow. 

Mrs. H. Good Heaven defend us ! He approaches I 

Tony. Do you hide yourself in that thicket, and leave me to manage 
him. If there be any danger, I'll cough and cry hem 1 When I cough 
be sure to keep close. (,Mrs. Hardcastle 7iides behind a tree, l. u. e.) 

Enter Mr. Hardcastle, r. 

Mr. H. I'm mistaken, or I heard voices of people in want of help. 
Oh, Tony, is that you? I did not expect you so soon back. Are your 
mother and her charge in safety 1 

Tony. Very safe, sir, at my aunt Pedigree's. Hem ! 

Mrs. H. {from her retreat). Ah, death; I find there's danger. 

Mr. H. Forty miles in three hours ! sure that's too much, my young- 
ster. 

Tony. Stout horses and willing minds make short journeys, as they 
say. Hem ! 

Mrs. H. {from behind the tree). Sure he'll do the dear boy no 
harm ! 

Mr. H. But I heard a voice here; I should be glad to know from 
whence it came. 

Tony. It was I, sir, talking to myself, sir. I was saying that forty 
miles in three hours was very good going. Hem ' As to be sure it 
was. Hem ! I have got a sort of cold by being out in the air. We"ll 
go in, if you please. Hem ! 

Mr. H. But if you talked to yourself, you did not answer your.-^elf. 
I am certain 1 heard two voices, and am resolved — {raising his voice') 
to find the other out. 

Mrs. H. {running foricard from behind). 0, lud ! he'll niurder my 
poor boy, my darling. Here, good gentleman, whet your rage upon 
me Take my money, life, but spare that young gentleman, spare my 
child, if you have any mercy I 

Mr. H. My wife, as I ama Christian ! From whence can she come, 
or what does she mean ' 

Mrs. H. {kneeling). Take compassion on us, good Mr. Highwayman ! 
Take our money, our watches, all we have, but spare our lives. We 



ACT V.j SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEE. 47 

will never oring you to justice, indeed we won't, good Mr. Highway- 
man ! 

Mr. H. I believe the woman's out of her senses. What, Dorothy, 
don t you know me 1 

!Mks. H. Mr. Hardcastle, as I live ! My fears blinded rae. But wlio, 
my dear, could have expected to meet you here, in this frightful place, 
so fir from home 1 What has brouglit you to follow us 7 

Mii. H. Sure, Dorothy, you have not lost your wits 1 So far Horn 
home, when you are wilhin forty yards of your own door, {to Toxy) 
This is one of your old tricks, you graceless rogue, you. (to Mrs Hard- 
castle) Don't you know the gate, and the mulberrytree ; and don't 
you remember the horsepond, my dear? 

Mi;s. H. Yes, I shall remember the horsepond as long as I live ; I 
have caught my death in it. {to Tony) And is it to you, you graceless 
varlet, I owe all this 1 I'll teach you to abuse your mother, I will. 

Tony. Ecod ! mother, all the parish says you have spoiled me, and so 
you may take tlie fruits on't. 

Mrs. H. {followiiiy). I'll spoil vou, I will. . [Exeunt, r. 

SCENE III.— Same as Act L, Scene L 

Enter Sir Charles Marlow and Miss Hardcastle, l. 

Sir C. What a situation am I in 1 If what you say appears, I shall 
then find a guilty son. If what he says be true, I shall then lose one 
that, of all others, I most wished for a daughter. 

Miss H. I am proud of your approbation, and to show I merit it, if 
you will conceal yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear his ex-, 
plicit declaration. But he comes. 

Sir C. I'll to your father, and keep him to the appointment. 

[Exit Sir Charles, l. c. 
Enter Marlow, l. 

Mar, (l.). Though prepared for setting out, I come once more to 
take leave ; nor did I till this moment know the pain I feel in the sep- 
aration. 

]\Iiss H. (in lier own manner). I believe these sufferings cannot be 
very great, sir, which you can so easily remove. A day or two longer 
perhaps might lessen your uneasiness, by showing the little value of 
what you think proper to regret. 

Mar. {aside, l. c). This girl every moment improves upon me. 
(aloud) It must not be, madam. I have already trifled too long with 
my heart. My very pride begins to submit to my passion ; and noth- 
ing can restore me to myself but this painful effort of resolution. 

Miss H. (c). Then go, sir. I'll urge nothing more to detain you. 
Though my family be as good as her's you come down to visit, and my 
education, I hope, not inferior, what are these advantages without 
equal affluence ? I must remain contented with the slight approbation 
of imputed merit ; I must have only the mockery of your addresses, 
while all your serious aims are fixed on fortune. 

Enter Mr, Hardcastle and Sir Charles Marlow, d. c, and remain 
unseen hy Marlow. 

Mar. By Heavens, madam, fortune was ever my smallest considera- 
tion. Your beauty at first caught my eye ; for who could see that 
without emotion 1 But every moment that I converse with you steals 



4:8 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. [aCT V. 

in some new grace, lieiglitens the picture and gives it stronger expres- 
sicii. Wiiat at fir.^.t seemed rustic plainness, now appears refined sim- 
])iiciLy. Vvluit seemed forward assurance, now strikes me as the result 
t)t' cuuraueous innocence and conscious virtue — I am now determined 
to say, madam, and I have too "ood an opinion of my father's discern- 
ment, when he sees you, to doubt his approbation. 

Miss H No Mr. Marlow ; I wll! not, caimot detain you. Do you 
think I couUl suffer a connection in which there is the smallest room 
for repentance? Do you think i would take the mean advantage of a 
transient passion, to load you with confusion 1 Do you think I could 
ever relish that happiness which was acquired by lessening yours 1 Do 
you think I could ever catch at the confident addresses of a secure ad- 
mirer 1 

Mar. {kneeling). Does this look like security 1 Does this look like 
confidence 1 No, madam, every moment that shows me your merit, 
only serves to increase my diflfidence and confusion. Here let me con- 
tinue 

Sir C. I can hold it no longer, {advancing) Charles, Charles, how 
hast thou deceived me ! Is this your indifiference, your uninteresting 
conversation 1 

Mr. H Your cold contempt, your formal interview 1 Wliat have you 
to say now ? 

Mar. That I'm all amazement ! What can it mean ? 

Mr. H. It means that you can say and unsay things at pleasure ; that 
3^ou can address a lady in private, and deny it in public ; that you have 
one story for us, and another for my daughter. 

Mar. Daughter! this lady your daughter. 

Mr. H. Yes, sir, my only daughter. My Kate; whose else should 
she be 1 

Mar. 0, the devil ! 

Miss. H Yes, sir, that very identical tall, squinting lady, you were 
pleased lo take me for. {coiirtseying) She that you addressed as the 
miltl, modest, sentimental man of gravity, and the bold, forward, agree- 
ab e Rattle of the ladies' clul); {laughing) ha, ha, ha! 

Mar. Zounds I there's no bearing this ; it's worse than death ! 

Miss H. In which of y«mr characters, sir, will you give us leave to 
address you % As the faltering gentleman, with looks on the ground 
that speaks just to be heard, and hates hypocrisy; or the loud, confi- 
dent creature, that keeps it up with Mrs. Mantrap, and old xMrs. Biddy 
Buckskin till three in the morninir ? Ha, ha, ha ! 

Mar. 0, curse on my noisy head ! I never attemped to be impudent 
yet that I was not taken down. I must be gone ' 

Mr. H. By the hand of my body, but you shall not. I see it was all 
a mistake, and I rejoice to find it. You shall not, sir, I tell you. I 
know she'll forgive you. Won't you forgive him, Kate ? We'll all for- 
give you Take courage, man. {they retire, Miss Hardgastle tor- 
menting Marlow.) 

Enter Mrs. Hardgastle and Tony, r. 

Mrs. H. So, so, they're gonfe off. Let them go, I care not. 

Mr. H. Who sone'? 

Mrs H. My dutiful niece and her gentleman, Mr. Hastings, from 
town. He who came down with our modest visitor here. 

Sir C. Who, my honest George Hastings 1 As worthy a fellow as 
lives, aud the girl could not have made a more prudent choice. 



ACT V.J SHE STOOPS TO CONQUEB. 49 



Enter Has ■ ings and Miss Neville, l. 

Mrs. H. (aside). What, returned so soon 1 I begin not to like it. 

Hast, {to Hardcastle). For my late attempt to fly off with your 
niece, let my present confusion be my punishment. We are now come 
back, to appeal from your justice to your humanity. By her father's 
consent I first paid her my addresses, and our passions were first found- 
ed on duty. 

Mk. H. I'm glad they are come back to reclaim their due. Come, 
hither, Tony, boy. Do you refuse this lady's hand whom I now offer 
you 1 

Tony. What signifies my refusing 1 You know I can't refuse her till 
I'm of age, father ! 

Mr. H. While I thought concealing your age, boy, was likely to con- 
duce to your improvement, I concurred with your mother's desire to 
keep it secret ; but since I find she turns it to a wrong use, I must now 
declare you have been of age these three months.' 

Tony. Of age ! Am I of age, father 1 

Mu. H. Above three months. 

Tony. Then you'll see the first use I'll make of my liberty, {talcing 
Miss Neville's hand ) Witness all men by these presents, that I, An- 
thony Lumpkin, Esquire, of Blank place, refuse yon, Constantia Neville, 
spinster, of no place at all, for my true and lawful wife. So Constantia 
Neville may marry whom she pleases, and Tony Lumpkin is his own 
man again. [Exit, l. 

Sir C. O, brave 'Squire! 

Hast. My worthy friend 1 

Mus. H. My dutiful offspring 1 

Mar. Joy, my dear George, I give you joy sincerely. And could I 
prevail upon my little tyrant here to be less arbitrary, I should be the 
happiest man alive, if you would return me the favor. 

Hast, {to Miss Hardcastle). Come, madam, you are now driven 
to the very last scene of all your contrivances. I know you like hi-m, 
I'm sure he loves you ; -and you must and shall have him. 

Mr. H. {joining their hands). And I say so too. And, Mr. Mar- 
low, if she makes as good a wife as she has a daughter, I don't believe 
you'll ever repent your bargain. So, boy, take her ; and as you have 
been mistaken in the mistress, my wish is, that you may never be mis- 
taken in the wife. 

CURTAm. 



TONY LUMPKIN'S SONG IN "SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER."* 

Allegretto. 




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* For the words see page 15. 



50 



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roll ! Here 's a health to the Three Jol - ly Pi-geons ! 

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±ziz^t: 



WITT'S ACTING PLAYS. 



P\ ~we notice that nearly all the Comedies, Farces and Comediettas in the following 
'■Vix'r's Acting Plays" are very suitable fm^ representation in small Amateur Thea- 
':■:. Parlor Stages, as they need hut little extHnsic aid from complicated scenery (yr 

■■■■• fumes. They have attained their deserved popidantyby their droll situatimis^ 
'.:'.: 7.1, great humor and brUliant dialogues, no less than by the fact that they are the 

\,r n every respect of any edition of plays ever published either in the United States 

;', '.S.-ither as regards purity of the text, accuracy and fulness of stage directions and 

•; .-' yance of typography and clearness of printing. 

."• rrd^ring please copy the figures at the comnuncement of each piece, which indicate 

<.,'. f the piece in "De Witt's List op Acting Plats." 

\ Any of the following Plays sent., postage free, on receipt of price — 15 

-vddress, ROBERT M. DE WITT, 

JV'o. S3 So»e Street, JVew York. 
'* The figure following the name of the Play denotes the number of 
'-Jie figures in the columns indicate the number of characters — M. male; 



M. r. 

■M'. drama, 3 acts 7 3 

^r. J for a Change, comedy, 13 3 

i/iossoms, comedy, 3 acts — 7 3 

: Jle (The), farce, 1 act 3 2 

. omedietta, 1 act 3 2 

Karlotte's Maid, farce. 1 act.. 3 3 

•)f Cards (A), comedietta, 13 1 

vs. Pickwick, sketch, 1 act. 6 2 

pI Forever, farce, 1 act 2 3 

->), drama, 3 acts 9 3 

e of Podgers, farce, 1 act . . 7 3 

"r a ?ep, drama, 3 acts 7 5 

,c Blow, drama. 4 acts 11 6 

I. Fish Wife, farce, 1 act 3 1 

of Promise,, drama, 2 acts.. 5 2 

• -Hearted Chib, comedietta. 14 8 

.1, No. 93. farce, 1 act 2 2 

■ omedy, 3 acts 5 3 

■ by the Cnff, farce, 1 act 4 1 

MM the World, drama, 5 acts. 10 5 
Ine Howard, historical play, 

^ 12 5 

I. ; r pair, farce, 1 act 4 3 

:•! te. comedy, 2 acts 6 .5 

1-1 de St. George, drama, 3 9 3 

' i the Channel, farce, 1 act. 3 2 

. comedy, 4 acts 8 7 

- Countess, farce, 1 act 3 1 

'.;-d Love, fierce, 1 act 2 1 

- Eye-Glass. co-nedy, 1 act... 1 1 

'ea. comedietta, 1 act 3 1 

■ ith a Shilling, comedietta, 
2 1 

-. - access, comedy, 5 acts 10 4 

;i of the Watch (The), come- 

- 1 act 4 2 

:"'ray. drama, 3 acts 8 4 

1 'n"s Dodges, farce, 1 act 4 2 

>■■ rrick, comedy, 3 acts 8 3 

I \Iamma, comedietta, 1 act, 4 3 

■ ..an Life, drama, 3 acts 6 5 

!i Leah) drama, 3 acts 7 6 

v fared act 5 1 

■'■ the Best, drama, 2 acts.. 5 3 

■ i id Cents, comedy, 3 acts. . 9 4 



No. 

21. 
186. 

47. 

13). 

200. 

103. 

9. 



131. 

28. 

151. 

8. 

180. 

19. 

60. 
187. 
174. 

64. 
190. 
191. 
197. 

18. 

116. 

129. 
159. 
122. 
177. 
100. 
139. 
17. 



-rx 't- ^• 

Dreams, drama, 5 acts 6 3 

Duchess de la Valliere, play, 5 acts ..64 

Easy Shaving, farce, 1 act 5 2 

Everybody's Friend, comedy, 3 acts. 6 5 

Estranged, an operetta, 1 act. 2 1 

Faust and Marguerite, drama, 3 acts, 9 7 
Fearful Tragedy in the Seven Dials, 

interlude, 1 act 4 1 

Female Det( dve, drama, 3 acts.... 11 4 

Fernande, drama, 3 acts 11 10 

Fifth Wheel, comedy, 3 acts 10 2 

First Love, comedy, 1 act 4 1 

Foiled, drama. 4 acts 9 3 

Founded on Facts, farce, 1 act . . . . 4 2 

Garrick Fever, farce, 1 act 7 4 

Gertrude's Monev Box, farce, 1 act. 4 2 

Golden Fetter (Fettered), drama, 3 11 4 
Goose with the Golden Eggs, farce, 

^lact 5 3 

Go to Putney, farce, 1 act 4 3 

Happy Pair, comedietta, 1 act 1 1 

Hard Case (A), farce, 1 act 2 

Henry Dunbar, drama, 4 acts 10 3 

Henry the Fifth, historical plav, 5 38 5 

He"s a Lunatic, farce, 1 act ' 3 2 

Hidden Hand, drama, 4 acts 5 5 

His Own Enemy, farce, 1 act 4 1 

Home, comedy, 3 acts 4 3 

Household Fairy, sketch, 1 act 1 1 

Hunting the Slipper, farce, 1 act 4 1 

High C, comedietta, 1 act 4 2 

Hunchback (The), play, 5 acts 14 2 

If I Had a Thousand a Year, farce, 

1 act 4 3 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, original Irish 

stew, 1 act 3 2 

In for a Holiday, farce, 1 act 2 3 

In the Wrong House, farce, 1 act. . . 4 2 

Isabella Orsini, drama, 4 acts 11 4 

I Shall Invite the Major, comedy, 14 1 

Jack Long, drama, 2 acts 9 2 

Joy is Dangerous, comedy, 2 acts. . . 3 3 

Kind to a Fault, comedy, 2 acts .... 6 4 

Lady of Lyons, play, 5 acts 12 5 

Lame Excuse, farce, 1 act 4 2 



DE WITT'S AC 



IBRARY 



No. 
144. 

34. 
137. 
111. 
119. 
165. 

48. 

32. 
164. 
109. 

85. 

87. 
143. 
189. 
163. 
154. 



15. 

46. 

51. 
184. 
108. 
188. 
169. 
130. 

92. 



140. 

115. 
2. 
' 57. 
104. 
112. 
185. 
84. 
117. 

171. 
14. 

173. 
176. 

90. 
170. 

33. 
3. 

97. 

66. 

172. 

94. 

45. 
155. 

178. 

147. 
156. 
82. 
127. 



Lancashire Lass, melodrama, 5 ac 
Larkins' Love Letters, farce, 1 ac 

L'Article 47, drama, 3 acts 

Liar (The), comedy, 2 acts 

Life Chase, drama, 5 acts 

Living Statue (The), farce, 1 act. 
Little Annie's Birthday, farce, 1 av^t. ^ 

Little Rebel, farce, 1 act 4 

Little Euby, drama, 3 acts 6 

Locked In, comedietta, I act 2 

Locked In with a Laay, sketch, 1 act. 1 

Locked Out, comic scene 1 

Lodgers ana Dodgers, farce, 1 act.. 4 
Leap Year, musical duality, 1 act. . . 1 

Marcoretti, drama, 3 acts 10 

Maria and Magdalena, play, 4 acts . 8 
Marriage at Any Price, farce, 1 act. 5 
Master Jones' Birthday, farce, 1 act. 4 

Maud's Peril, drama, 4 acts. 5 

Midnight Watch, drama, 1 act 8 

Milky White, drama, 2 acts 4 

Miriam's Crime, drama, 3 acts 5 

Model of a Wife, farce, 1 act 3 

Money, comedy, 5 acts 17 

Mr. Scroggins, farce, 1 act 3 

Mr. X., farce, 1 act 3 

My Uncle's Suit, farce, 1 act 4 

My Wife's Diary, farce, 1 act 3 

My Wife's Out, farce, 1 ?ct 2 

My Walking Photograph, musical 

duality, 1 act 1 

Never Keckon Your Chickens, etc., 

farce, 1 act 3 

New Meu and Old Acres, comedy, 3 8 

Nobody's child, drama, 3 acts 8 

Noemie, drama, 2 acts " 4 

No Name, drama, 5 acts 7 

Not a Bit Jealous, farce, 1 act 3 

Not So Bad as We Seem, play, 5 acts. 14 

Not Guilty, drama, 4 acts 10 

Not Sucli a Fool as He Looks, drama. 

3 acts ; 5 

Nothing Like Paste, farce, 1 act 3 

No Thoroughfare, drama, 5 acts and 

prologue 13 

Off the Stage, comedietta, 1 act 3 

On Bread and Water, farce. 1 act. . . 1 

Only a iialf penny, farce, 1 act 2 

Only Somebody, farce, 1 act 4 

One too Many for Him, farce, 1 act. 2 

£100,000, comedy, 3 acts 

Orange Blo-soms, comedietta, 1 act. 3 3 
Orange Girl, drama, in prologue 

and 3 acts 18 4 

Ours, comedy, 3 acts 6 3 

Our Clerks, farce, 1 act 7 5 

Our Domestics, comedy farce, 2 acts 6 6 
Our Heroes, military play. 5 acts. . .24 5 
Out at Sea, drama in prologue and 

4acts \ 16 5 

Overland Route, comedy. 3 acts 11 5 

Peace at Any Price, farce. 1 act 1 1 

Peep o' Day, drama. 4 acts 12 4 

Peggy Green, farce, 1 act. 3 10 

Petticoat Parliament, extravaganza, 

in one act 15 24 

Photogi-aphic Fix, farce, 1 act 3 2 

A COMPLETE 




014 430 131 _ 

„ ce, 1 act. 

181 and 182. Queen Mary, drama, 4 acts 

157. Quite at Home, comedietta, 1 act.. 
196. Queerest Courtship (The), comic o] 

eretta, 1 act 

132. Race for a Dinner, farce, 1 act 

183. Richelieu, play, 5 acts 

38. Rightful Heir, drama, 5 acts 

77. Roll of the Drum, drama, 3 acts. . . 
13. Euy Bias, drama, 4 acts 

194. Rum, drama, 3 acts 

195. Rosemi Shell, travesty, 1 act, 
scenes 

158. School, comedy, 4 acts 

79. Sheep in Wolfs Clothing, drama, 

37. Silent Protector, farce, 1 act 

35. Silent Woman, farce, 1 act 

43. Sisterly Service, comedietta. 1 act. 

6. Six Months Ago, comedietta, 1 act 
10. Snapping Turtles, duologue, 1 act 

26. Society, comedy, 3 acts | 

78. Special Performances, farce, 1 act. 
31. Taming a Tiger, farce, 1 act 

150. Tell-Tale HeTirt, comedietta, 1 act. 
120. Tempest in a Teapot, comedy, 1 ad 
146. There's no Smoke Without Fire 

comedietta, 1 act , 

83. Thrice Married, personation piece. 

lact ^, 

42. Time and the Hour, drama, 3 actsTT, 

27. Time and Tide, drama, 3 acts am 
prologue 

133. Timothy to the Rescue, farce. 1 act. 
153. 'Tis Better to Live than to Die, 

farce, 1 act 

134. Tompkins the Troubadour, farce, 1 
29. Turning the Tables, farce, 1 act. . . . 

168. Tweedie's Rights, comedy, 2 acts.. 

126. Twice Killed, farce, 1 act ,. 

56. Two Gav Deceivers, farce, 1 act 

123. Two Poits, farce, 1 act 

198. Twin Sisters (The), comic operetta, 

1 act 

162. Uncle's Will, comedietta. 1 act 

106. Up for the Cattle Show, farce, 1 act. 
81. Vandyke Brown, farce, 1 act 

124. Volunteer Review, farce, 1 act 

91. W^alpole, comedy, 3 acts 

118. Wanted, a Young Lady, farce, 1 act. 
44. War to the Knife, comedy, 3 acts. . . 
105. Which of the Two? comedietta, 1 act 

98. Who is Who? farce, 1 act 

12. Widow Hunt, comedy, 3 acts 

5. William Tell with a Vengeance, 

burlesque 

136. Woman in Red, drama, 3 acts and 

prologue 

Woman's Vows and Mason's Oaths, 

4 acts : 

"Woodcock's Little Game, farce, 2 ^ 
Young Collegian (Cantab.), farce, 1 



36 



U 

It: : 

' 
12' 



8 4 



\ 



161. 



DESCRIPTIVE CATALOq 



of DE WITT'S ACTING PLAYS AND DE 'Wl'^^ 



ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMAS , containing Plot, Costume, Scene 
Time of Representation and every other information, mailed free and post paid. Add 
ROBERT M. DE WITT, 33 Rose Street, NewYc 



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